Love & Devotion
This past week God granted me another year of His grace through the remembrance of the testimony that was formed 12 years ago (August 6). Today, as a new week forms and I'm just days over 12 years old in spiritual years, God continues to demonstrate His concern for critical areas of my life as well as my life in general. I had the priviledge of heariing Dr. Danny Akin close out his conference held at First Baptist Church here in Charlotte, NC. The conference was about "God on Sex" with the premise of walking through and studying the book of Songs of Solomon (or Song of Songs). He concluded with his sermon today on chapter 8 versus 5 through 14. As he spoke and gave short anecdotes, he drew out 14 points on the subject true love. Granted, we all know what love is all about as he referenced various and popular passages like 1 Cor 13, Ephesians 5, and Galations 5. However, he mostly stuck with the main text as he drew out 14 important things about love. The first thing he did do, however, was to carefully define the difference between infactuation and love.
The Heart of the Matter
While I didn't take notes on this particular part (so I need to paraphase to keep things in meaning), it's enough to see infactuation as the immature part of love or the basic area to which we are all attracted to at some point. Being infactuated means to simply be more hooked on something or (in this case) someone strongly through emotions. Part of that is wanting to express more physical desire for the simple point of trying to appease physical appetite.in much in a hurry. Love, however, doesn't do that. Love is more slow-easy going, tedious, careful, trusting, sure, and regards the other person as important and valuable.
Love, despite all definitions, (again, paraphrasing, but very poorly) is patient, easy-going (in terms of pace), is filled with joy, peace, assurance, security, and value. Based on text of SOS that Dr. Akin talked about, love is public. That means, two people (male and female...and again, I say MALE AND FEMALE), who are married are not afraid of display their feelings to the world. Consider God's love in this matter: God loves us so much that He's not one ounce shy of demonstrating His love towards all people in general because most of us wake in the morning, if nothing else. Consider God's love for us and how He created us and wanted to publicly demonstrate His love to us by providing for us in everyway. Contrast that to husband-wife relationship, a man shouldn't be afraid to show off his wife in public and neither should the wife be ashamed of respecting her husband before the eyes of the public. I remember Dr. Akin making a sidenote about criticism your mate in public and stressed that some things should wait til you get in private, while at times it's important to know that you should love your spouse in general and do the best you can to understand him/her. That brings us to another side note.
He mentioned that two people who are ready to marry should have a solid friendship. In his words, "they should be friends first" indicating the importance of two things: having knowledge to help understand the person you're marrying or married to and being able to co-exist with a solid foundation. That implies that two people have taken the time to get to know one another and in the case of the men (us) we have to understand our woman. The Bible does say (which Dr. Akin attested to) in 1 Peter 3:7: "You, husbands....live with your wives in an understanding way..."NASB
As a man, I am required by God to understand my woman because the Bible tells me that part of loving my wife is understanding how she is (granted, this will take forever lol) but I am to have some knowledge about her so I can be better in providing her needs as well as in general, being compassionate when she needs it, being affectionate when she's looking to be held, and even reading her well enough so I can understand her signals. This is why if two people have a solid friendship that's healthly, open, honest, trustworthy, or in other words...true friends, then marriage between them would be more of a bliss. A man who marries the woman that's been practically his friend has more to show in marriage because they are able to experience "greater" friendship in the fullest capacity that God has for them. Now, that wasn't Dr. Akin's pat, but mine; that is my understanding of what he really said.
As he continued, guiding us through the rest of chapter 8 of SOS, he told us 11 more "love is" points: love is private, personal, protected, possessive, preserving, priceless, pure, peaceful, priviledged, and particular. Love is not just something to show off to the world (like God did with His Love), but it's also a private affair for hubby and wifey. This goes beyond the friendship and puts the two into a special union with each other and God allowing them express the fullest magntitude of their love. Needless to say, that's what the SOS is all about; when two make love in marriage, it's nothing like the movies and nothing the like the dry tasteless pleasures that some people are getting in dark alleys or whorehouses. This love that a man and woman engage in is an art, a craft, and their personal and private world where they hold nothing back and let their love reach the highest mountains and back. I have personally engaged in sex when I was a teenager and sadly, again, during my unstable relationship with someone in my distant past. In both of those cases, it never came close to being what Scripture would picture it (come to think of it, does anything?). But, I've never been married so that would be understandable. But the talk of it and the more I understand it from a Bible prospective, it's something so precious and wonderful and worth the wait. I will be spending my time keeping what I do have left of myself until I finally marry that special woman and then I can celebrate her by expressing real, true love to her for the rest our life. However, I'm getting ahead of myself; let me discuss the other points.
The private affair is what most of us men really desire, but there are other components to that that make the private affair the height of love, the critical mass of the friendship of the marriage, unashame affection, more sweet. These also affect both positively (when things are well) and negatively (if things aren't going so well) but for the most part, these are all good things. Love is personal; I like to think of this is love being willing and self-giving. It means something when someone loves you and they are commitment to doing so for life. Some people are afraid of commitment, but they are looking to love, then committing themselves to someone will require them to be serious about it. This tells me that love hast to be intentional, given, and nurtured. As fallen men (and women) we are not naturally prone to love one another; Christ has come to teach us to love one another and to be self-giving. Personal love can be summed up as love that is given out of the intent of the heart, willing, and conscentual. With that, love is protected. Husbands will vigorously protect their wives against anything that may come and attack their love affair as well as from general harm. I'm thinking more of spiritual attack than physical attack though (since our true enemies are spiritual as are natural human conditions). But in general, woman do want to be and feel protected. And that goes with the next one, love is possessive., to where something value of mine will be heavily guarded and kept very close to my heart. My woman is mine and no one is going to take her away from me. This type of jealously (in regards to SOS 8:6) is equivalent to the jeolously that God has when it comes to His glory. As we recall, the Scriptures say that "I am the LORD, that is My name, I will not give My glory to another...." NASB Is:42:8. Just as the LORD will not share His glory with anyone else, so the husband and wife will not share their love with another. As Dr. Akin put it, guy must be a one woman man, and the woman must be a one man lady. Just as God is in love with man, He is in love with no other creature in the same way He is with us! (Gee, is anyone catcthing the parallels so far?) Dr. Akin continues.
Love is powerful; love that is strong like the grave and flames of fire (SOS 8:6-7) cannot fade away. One that's infactuated will easily lose that fire, that spark that made things so wonderful. But love, love cannot fade, it will not be quenched, it will not drown. When someone loves you, it's forever. That should be sobering as much as it is very difficult. This, again, parallels the love of Christ. Jesus Christ loves His children/disciples/servants/priests/coheirs in spite of what we do. I know for me, personally, I feel like sometimes I'm on God's (bad side) when I do something dileberately against His will. My immediate thought is "Man, I'm a bad son, a bad servant and my master's going to get me for it." Granted, we will all be accountable for our actions and our works as Christians, but the basic premise is this: "But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8).
While that is true, the Christian is still responsible for checking the sin that plagues the new life from the dead nature.But, God knows I'm still prone to sin despite a redeemed saint and a new creature. Of course He does, but He still loves me. In comparison, this is what the husband-wife relationship is to reflect when it comes to lasting love (I get that now....). That means that if I learn so much about the woman I'm dating (this is just an example) and she does something that passes for being a human sinner and I let that influence my feelings for her negatively, and I lose interest in her, I didn't love her. Love is the affection that sees the sin,and instead of taking that sin and adding salt to it, we add a compressor to it: the compressor of grace. Despite what my date has done, if I am learning to love her as a potential wife, then I must learn to forgive her because I'm a sinner myself and don't want her to put salt into my sin.
Furthermore, just as Christ has forgiven me and wiped away my sin for life, He has done the same thing to her. That means we both have to deal with our sin in a mature way that puts it under Christ's blood for forgiveness. Feelings that are here today, and gone tomorrow is not love. The best litmus test of love is for a man to love his woman as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her (Eph 5). That means, to me, that the woman I desire to marry I have to ensure that I would die for her. That means I should develop enough love for her to give her my life and give my life in place of hers if it meant she'll be happy. There it is; Jesus gave His life for us so that we could be free of sin. A man should be willing and able to offer his life for his woman because the love of Christ compels us to do so. He wants to; he loves her, he'd rather die in her place if it meant that she''ll be spared the pains of this life to experience the grace of God's love if it came to her harm and wellbeing. Ouch!!!
Love is preserving; it's lasting, it never fails, it hopes all things and endures all things. That means the family trials will not hinder the bond between a man and a woman. While I know this is important to many us, myself included, in the end, the man or woman will hopefully have the maturity and love enough to do their best to co-exist with the other family if it meant that the relationship to his future wife or to her future husband would be better. This also means that Satan himself cannot break up relationships that are fueled by love (but he will certainly try). Think of God's love; nothing can separate us from the love of God. In the similar way, true love cannot be separated by distance, time, or cicumstances. Love is priceless; this is self-explanatory, but this is to say that if anyone tries to buy love then they're a fool. Love is pure. Love is unashamed, purified by God, and not to be defiled in any way. Love is peaceful; this is heavy. Many relationships have been found to be insecure; I know this all too-well. In the last two relationships, I have been insecure because I spent too much time trying to convince myself that I needed to be with someone. Now, that I look back on that, I know that's not the way things are suppose to be done. The best way to have peace in a relationship is to know your partner.
This is why Dr. Akin stressed for two people to build a solid, strong, Godly friendship first before going to the next level. It also brings security; if you are sure about the other person and you know you want to be with them and that they want to be with you, then there's no question that they'll turn around and stab you in the back. Love doesn't stab, but love is faithful. If I knew that my relationship was secured with the woman I love, then I don't every have to worry about losing her. Just like salvation, the love between a man and a woman is secured by the seal of true love (the ring...and whatever the couple values together). SOS tells us that the woman told her lover to put her like a seal over his heart. If I love my woman, I'll give her my seal that's placed over my heart.
Love is both priviledged and particular. It's not done under obligation, but done out of genuine, sincere, devotion, respect, and voluntarily. Love is particular (was a difficult one he mentioned so I'm going to do another very bad paraphrase) was a hard point, but I understood like this: Love is established and well defined. That means just as there are doctrines in the church the love between the two people also have to be specific and well-defined.
My Personal Challenge
So, with all of these things, I've been challenged extremely much as a single who's had failures in relationships. I personally blame myself for all of them because my decisions were not very good. Although the romantics didn't work out, I have been able to maintain my friendships with two of them in the end. I cherish them very much and I respect their walks with the LORD. However, I take the lessons they gave me and I use them to re-evaluate myself so that I become a better Christian man. I think what clicked during this sermon was the fact that I've been given a clear, definite explanation of love and what it's not (not that I haven't before).
It also has become clear that my relationship with God is the key to EVERYTHING. My daily walk with God and how close I am to Him will fuel all my other relationships that God has given me. That means that Godly women will be drawn to me only because of God and His relationship with me. As a friend reminded me the other day, a Godly woman wants a Godly man who is a family man. That time I spend with my family is critical because it lets her know that I am actively engaged in building up my family, which is key when the time comes for me to start getting along and building with her family.
Furthermore, what I have taken away from this, is the issue of love. After my last relationship 2 years ago, I went on a personal journey to figure out my heart and love. I needed to know how I knew I loved someone and the signs that accompanied it. I know now that as I strive to become a more mature Christian that love is something that is taught and demonstrated. I have to learn it. It's also an act that is only possible with the love and guidance of God. While feelings can be invovled with love, it's the primary indicator that I love someone. Love puts the person at more than they are because love is a gift that is given by God. Furthermore, love is based on my relationship with God. If I'm not nurturing my relationship with Him, then I can forget about trying find me a wife. Otherwise, this is reason for me to critically, harshly, aggressively, and daily engage in my relationship with my Father.
Also, in looking for the one, I now know that I need to prayerfully and carefully find a woman that God leads me to (or place in my life). While I'm looking I need to do it with patience, with wisdom, and with the intent to fall in love.
Parting Thoughts
In between what God is doing through my friend and through my church, I am becoming better at accurately assessing my areas of needed improvement and as my new theme and goal in my new year in Christ is growing to become a Christ-centered leader. My personal mission is to focus on walking and talking and worshipping God as I walk through life. For the sake of my family, my friends, and that future spouse of mine somewhere, I cannot afford anymore to skimp on my relationship with God. I have also been renewly motivated to look for potentials with the intent to love her and share all that God has given me with her as well. I don't want to live this life alone and I want to share my life with someone else. I've been to this dating site and that one and I have no matches. To be humorous, eharmony is unable to match me because my profile is too high quality. Years ago, I had more than 80 something matches. Only one of them, however, succeeded. That match succeeded not in marriage though, but in a friendship that I really enjoy. To be honest, I really enjoy talking with her. I'm obviously going somewhere with this. But I"ll stop here and say this instead: I don't know how God is going to use her in my life right now, but I'm glad she's in my life.
It's time I be a man who is about loving God and is actively worshipping God each day and letting my public and private life meet up. Who ever I chose to date, I will do it with patience, being very careful, and at the same time being very understanding. Once I put my eye on the new woman, I'll be able to see how God uses my life to attract her. Hopefully, in the end, after I get to Kansas and am settled, I'll be finally ready to get married. I set no date, no time, but simply just let things happen by God's system. With that said, I do have someone in mind, but again, I'm in no hurry, not anymore. For now, I want to learn all that I can so that I can learn to love her and let God lead me in this process. I am a leader; I am a man in God's army; I am a prince, once again, looking for his princess. But not just a princess, a partner, One who adds to the blessings that God has given me and makes like more a blessing like Eve did in the garden. Anyway, guess I'll be writing again from now.....and the one I want to be in love with is the one I'm intending to be with..forever! For the rest of my life, til death does us part. Oh Lord, help me love you so I can love another especially the one you'll send me way. And in case you're wondering, I do have someone in mind. And in light of what God told me today, I will continue to put what He's taught me into practice at the same time praying about someone that I'm inquiring about. In the end, if God leads things a certain way, I hope she'll be the permanent one. But for now, like I said, I just learn, ask and wait, and focus on building my relationship with God so that it'll make my current relationships sweeter and my future relationship an ultimate blessing; that and getting to Kansas lol.
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