Ninjaearth's blog

Holding On To His Promises -- Embracing God's Appointed Destiny Part 2

So, is there more to God’s destiny for my life than just using my gifts and daily maintaining my relationship with Him? Of course there is….it’s about also trusting in Him and believing Him to fulfill His promises. While there are many promises in Scripture, the most basic is trusting Him to guide my life and work all circumstances and situations for good. The Bible tells us that in Romans 8:28: “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” While the context reveals that God’s plans are crafted and sealed in eternity, it does also reveals that God has ordained before the foundations of the world a people that would be His own and He would glorify them in the end. I want to use this particular understanding to illustrate that God has already laid out the paths and courses of my life. While this is true, God won’t also make things so obvious but through my free will and the choices He gives me to choose from when the milestones of life present themselves, He openly and gladly reveals more and more the way I should go so that the plans He has laid out for me comes to past. The Bible also writes that the plans of the LORD cannot be thwarted ; nothing that God has for us will ever be lost or taken away. That is to say God’s purposes for our lives will not fail (Isa 14:27); what God has decreed for my life will come to past and there is nothing I can do about. This is why the Bible also says that the man makes plans in his heart but the LORD has the final say. Through the sovereignty of God, no person can make plans against what the LORD has for us and neither can we make the “wrong” choice in that regard to our appointed destiny (Pro 16:1, 16:9; Rom 8:28-30, James 1:17). Because again, God is in control of our life whether we realize it or not and even whether or not we refuse to submit to them. This doesn’t mean, however, that sin is in God’s will; rather, God does not cause sin or approve of sin (as sin is the opposite of what God wills or decrees). However, God is control “over” that sin to ensure that our actions do not redirect His ultimate plan for our life. This is why He has made provision for sin so that we (mankind) will be able to have a way to be used by the max without being hindered by sin; all through Jesus Christ.

With that said, what do I believe God has in store me? What is my appointed fixated destiny that God has crafted for me before the beginning of the earth? Based on Scripture, it is to be a leader, a husband, a student of the Word, and a testimony to the world about God’s saving grace. See 1 Timothy 2, Titus 1, 2 Timothy 3, Philippians 1, and Matt 28. The overall mission: to take the name of Jesus and proclaim Him to mankind through glorifying Him and the One who sent Him through His work and mission through the church. How this takes place is the “destiny” that God has selected for me. That could be through ministry as a pastor or as a college professor. I do believe it is to be through a selected role, especially when you consider the many examples in Scripture both in the Old and New Testaments. For example, Noah was a “preacher of righteousness” and his ministry was to preach God’s warning to the known world. His specific task: build an ark. Moses, another example, had a specific task: lead the Hebrews out of Egypt and to the Promised Land. Joshua had a specific commission: lead the people into the Promised Land through conquest. Even the Judges had specific tasks just like Samuel did and even Elijah and Isaiah. In the New Testament, our LORD had a specific task: obey the will of God completely and serve as the sacrifice that would pay for the sins of the whole universe. Even Paul, Peter, and even John all had specifics that God set them apart for. To that end, there is a specific task that God has laid out for me; do I know what that is, no!

To be honest, many of these men did not know until many, many years after they were serving Him. Even Paul wasn’t sure at times (book of Acts) but eventually He based His ministry on what Peter wasn’t comfortable doing at a particular time (preaching to the Gentiles). I have spent years praying and testing the areas of ministry to see what “fit” with God’s purpose for me. Sadly to say, that while I don’t have this special feeling about it, I can’t be 100% about what role He does want me to play. This is why in Scripture I had decided that my role would be based on the general decree of God (that is, what God has created a man to do in general versus a specific role like in a church or home). I know God intends for me to a leader; men are always leaders in the church and in their communities. Men are God’s hard labored workers who put faith and love into action as they gird up their loins and fight the good fight of faith. Men are to be examples and teachers of the wisdom of God especially when it comes to relating to younger men. They are to be lovers of their wife and good disciplinarians of their children and dominant. Most important, they are to be leaders and progenitors of God’s ways in their families so that the entire family may know how to follow God, along with the help of his wife. Now, in concerns of the church, however, men also play a specific role. The Bible has only revealed a handful of positions that are fitted for men specifically: that would be a pastor (elder, bishop) and a deacon (some cases can be made for deaconesses) (1 Tim 2, Titus 1 & 2)). Other roles that include men (but also women) would be teachers, evangelists, and missionaries. So then the question is, why should I be concerned about a specific role when God has several roles lined up for men in general? Because that’s just the way God works: He uses specifics not just generalities. The Bible reveals that God has created me for good works (Eph 2:11) , which tells me that God has something specific in mind when it comes to my life and how I will bring glory to His name (Eph 4:11-13; 1 Cor 11). That also means that He has something in mind when considering the various areas He has gifted me in as well as my spiritual gifts. With that in mind, it helps become mindful that God is preparing me for that specific something. Jesus had been spent His whole life preparing for a death that would just take mere hours. John the Baptist spent his life preparing for the day he would reveal Christ to the world and then later on get beheaded. Pharaoh was even created for the sole purpose of demonstrating God’s power to the known world even though it was by his heart also that he refused to let the Hebrews go. So again, this is something I cannot ignore what Scripture demonstrates through these histories. That also tells me that even here in the church age believers are being used with a general purpose (to proclaim Christ) with a specific task (i.e. pastor, teacher, missionary, writer, artist, doctor, etc).

Implication & Application

While I may not recognize that specific role right now, I’m sure that God will put me in place when the times comes. Until then, I am to serve in the capacity that God has given me right now; that is, to play the role given me at a specific point and time until the time comes for me to step into the foreordained role (destiny) that He’s specifically designed for me. I would say that I am a student in terms of a role, but I am also a teacher (though I’m not a member of any church right now) when it comes to the medium that God chooses to use me when it comes to biblical roles. I do know that the upcoming roles for me will be pastor and husband sometime in the future. I believe God is challenging me and is pushing me to be ready and on demand when it comes to using my gifts (well, His gifts that He gave me). Role-wise, I am being mended and molded to prepare to serve God in a very huge capacity; one that was designed for many men; this role will take much more responsibility and care than just caring for my own life. However, because I know that God has that role in particular for me I’m confident that the work He will do in me He will finish it; that work as a single, will be finished and I then will be moved into the role that will put everything He’s taught me to the test, for life. Til that time comes, I am to continue to analyze my life and make the critical decisions that will help become more disciplined in the LORD. Philippians continue to remind that He that began a gook work will finish it to the day of Jesus Christ. (Phil 1:6).

The Path of New Adventures -- Embracing God's Appointed Destiny Part 1

It has been a very adventurous summer, but it has ended with so many new blessings that I have been very blessed to see His hand at work. My family has moved into a new place for another year and I have been able to focus more on my transition to Kansas. Most importantly, I have intergreted myself into a new church that has sound theology and doctrine more plenty enough to help strengthen my relationship with God. One of the most important things have happened recently and for that I’m very truly thankful as it brings me to a point in life where God has challenged me to be more sensitive spiritually and immediately causes me to seek His face through daily prayer and Scripture more than often.

It has now been 12 years since the light of the gospel runs through my blood, which the blood of Jesus cleansed through His work on the cross. Through exceptional and exponential growth in the middle of my years with Christ, I have learned many lessons, but one valuable that remains consistent: walking with God daily is the only way to remain strong in my spiritual life. Furthermore, my prayer time is the most valuable, most intimate act I have with the LORD. It is the time where I lay out my heart and reveal all the struggles plaguing my life at the moment. It’s also the time where I make my desires known and I spent time praying for others. Throughout my years, I have seen God do many things in conjunction with my prayers; I do believe God has gifted me a in a special way to pray that enables an added blessing to touch the lives of those whom I pray for (just like any spiritual gifts). Just like the gift of prophecy, pastor, and teaching, God has enabled me a special anointing that gives me more of an ability to do it with power. That’s what any spiritual gift is: a special anointing different from the norm that allows the Christian to perform certain tasks with an extra anointing that provides a huge impact on spiritual lives in a dramatic way that is different from Christians with a general passion for service (for example, someone with the teaching gift may have the ability to form a lesson from at will and dig deeper making lessons more meaningful rather than a Christian who has does teach (may not have the gift) and often struggles with forming lessons and presenting them to other Christians. Based on what God has given me and the passion He has placed in my heart, I have decided to pursue ministry based on those gifts and will focus on developing them overtime for the good of the kingdom. As such, I have rested on becoming a college professor, with my area focused mainly in general theology but I love to focus on eschatology and Christology.

In regards to my gift of pastor (shepherding), this has been a very personal debated area of my life. While it may easily show in a gift test (which is good to help with general knowledge of what a person has from God) but the actually qualifications are listed for one who desires to be a pastor in 1 Timothy 2 and Titus 1. These pastoral epistles are essential to my life as I continue to examine and strive to ensure that these traits are showing in my life. Of course, I do know that despite my efforts God’s will shall be done; that is to say, when the time comes for me to step up, I know God will ensure that I’ll have those qualities present in my life evermore so that I will be able to carry out the appointed task. Of course, pasturing isn’t the only way to shepherd. Shepherding only entails that one believers cares and guides a group of believers who are striving to maturity. This could be a small group Bible study or a small Sunday School, but I believe it applies for one man guiding at least two believers towards maturity through careful teaching of Scripture, demonstration of biblical leadership and initiative and constant daily prayer. The one who assumes responsibility for two or more believers must be spiritual strong and able to help with the burdens of the other two in such a way that he is able to help and guide and restore them without being able to be tempted to fall into the same thing. Coupled with prayer, this can be a dynamic responsibility as well as a very rising challenge. Coupled with the gift of prophecy (not necessarily foretelling, but foretelling) the teachings presented will be taught with high powered authority and the urgency to make a decision for change almost immediately while also reiterating the consequences of refusing to surrender to God’s Spirit for change. It can also help one sniff out teachings and doctrines that are not in agreement with Scripture. It’s a no wonder that sometimes I can’t sit still when I hear someone preaching something that seemingly appears to be sound genuine, but at the same time isn’t what it seems. Of course, like anything else, it has to be filtered out using Scripture to ensure that it is the Spirit of God causing special discernment and not the believers own spiritual insecurity or uncertainty (there is a difference).

 

Implication & Application:

 

So what does this say about what God has in store for me? What is God setting me up for? He is preparing me to serve Him by way of taking charge over a group of believers to help them, guide them, and admonish them and equip them to serve Him. I do believe this may be how my writing may be used; I tend to express myself moreso in writing and can do it more accurately; expressing myself in person can be difficult, but I tend to exaggerate a bit more, but they are more intense because I tend to become very emotional when trying to free myself of what I feel. This is a good thing, as I know the typical man doesn’t really express what he feels; on the other hand, I am a man who does express what he feels very frequently because it’s part of who I am and I tend to express myself more to those who are very close to me than those who know me in general. This is important whenever God uses me to reach out to another believer and encourage them to continue to fight the good fight of faith. It would give other men an example to follow and consider that just expressing who you are isn’t a sign of weakness but great strength; it is rather the opposite of expression that testifies the lack of strength. This can be somewhat justified by Scripture when you look at the event with Jesus weeping over Lazarus’ death. The Bible tells us that when Jesus wept, people nearby said : “See how much he loved him.” Jesus, the God-man who was and is perfect, the Man of all men, in what it is means to be a man, wept! He cried, He wept, He sobbed because someone he loved very much was gone. Unlike Jesus, however, if something happens to someone I love, I cannot bring them back. But, my point was to simply illustrate that if Jesus could show His feelings through weeping and that weeping was simply because of love, then it is evidence that a man is capable of expressing what is inside his heart. No man should ever be ashamed of that whatsoever. It is based on that Scripture that I can say that it’s okay for a man to cry! That Scripture would be John 11 and the specified verse would 35, but the context would be verse 30 through 37.

Furthermore, to be stronger and more solid in my foundation God continues to challenge me daily by allowing occasional challenges made against Christine Doctrine. More specifically, sometimes I may encounter people with warped views of Scripture and I am provoked to refute them based on what have I gained a mature understanding about. I am currently working on ways to begin incorporating my Bible college techniques and skills to apply to my daily Bible reading as well as using that training to help me form a discipline enough to sit down and tear Scripture apart; that Is, go beyond the general surface of the English-rendered text and dive into the original language to grasp both original and intended context of the Bible as well accurate theological concepts. It helps deceipher the meaning of the Biblical text when comparing multiple translations together so that the original meaning of a context can be found and applied correctly to bring about authentic change based on proper understanding of the biblical text. Of course, this kind of study-time requires rigorous hours, which I am going to have to eventually spend in studying God’s Word. As I work towards my new transition and spend time with my daily Bible reading, I will have to fix a time and habit to start incorporating this kind of skill into my daily life; I have to remember that I could be asked to preach or teach at any time and I need to be ready to at least pick a spot and start analyzing the context and find the intended message at all, as the Holy Spirit brings back to my memory the things I’ve learned and have been taught. That way, my mind will be filled with the proper understanding of how to walk in His ways and I will be able to articulate and properly explain the meaning of Scripture in whatever context I am appointed to. Of course, in many cases, devotionals are accepted, but whenever it’s time to really teach, I need to be ready. With all that God has shaped me over the past 12 years through suffering, trials, and learning, I recognize that as my life takes pivotal turns that I am quickly approaching the time that God has set aside from me to begin my ministry. Granted, whatever that is, I know that I’ll be ready and that I will be more eager and willing to go all out and proclaim His kingdom come…..

Love & Devotion -- The Heart of the Matter

Love & Devotion

This past week God granted me another year of His grace through the remembrance of the testimony that was formed 12 years ago (August 6). Today, as a new week forms and I'm just days over 12 years old in spiritual years, God continues to demonstrate His concern for critical areas of my life as well as my life in general. I had the priviledge of heariing Dr. Danny Akin close out his conference held at First Baptist Church here in Charlotte, NC. The conference was about "God on Sex" with the premise of walking through and studying the book of Songs of Solomon (or Song of Songs). He concluded with his sermon today on chapter 8 versus 5 through 14. As he spoke and gave short anecdotes, he drew out 14 points on the subject true love. Granted, we all know what love is all about as he referenced various and popular passages like 1 Cor 13, Ephesians 5, and Galations 5. However, he mostly stuck with the main text as he drew out 14 important things about love. The first thing he did do, however, was to carefully define the difference between infactuation and love.

The Heart of the Matter

While I didn't take notes on this particular part (so I need to paraphase to keep things in meaning), it's enough to see infactuation as the immature part of love or the basic area to which we are all attracted to at some point. Being infactuated means to simply be more hooked on something or (in this case) someone strongly through emotions. Part of that is wanting to express more physical desire for the simple point of trying to appease physical appetite.in much in a hurry. Love, however, doesn't do that. Love is more slow-easy going, tedious, careful, trusting, sure, and regards the other person as important and valuable.

Love, despite all definitions, (again, paraphrasing, but very poorly) is patient, easy-going (in terms of pace), is filled with joy, peace, assurance, security, and value. Based on text of SOS that Dr. Akin talked about, love is public. That means, two people (male and female...and again, I say MALE AND FEMALE), who are married are not afraid of display their feelings to the world. Consider God's love in this matter: God loves us so much that He's not one ounce shy of demonstrating His love towards all people in general because most of us wake in the morning, if nothing else. Consider God's love for us and how He created us and wanted to publicly demonstrate His love to us by providing for us in everyway. Contrast that to husband-wife  relationship, a man shouldn't be afraid to show off his wife in public and neither should the wife be ashamed of respecting her husband before the eyes of the public. I remember Dr. Akin making a sidenote about criticism your mate in public and stressed that some things should wait til you get in private, while at times it's important to know that you should love your spouse in general and do the best you can to understand him/her. That brings us to another side note.

He mentioned that two people who are ready to marry should have a solid friendship. In his words, "they should be friends first" indicating the importance of two things: having knowledge to help understand the person you're marrying or married to and being able to co-exist with a solid foundation. That implies that two people have taken the time to get to know one another and in the case of the men (us) we have to understand our woman. The Bible does say (which Dr. Akin attested to) in 1 Peter 3:7: "You, husbands....live with your wives in an understanding way..."NASB

As a man, I am required by God to understand my woman because the Bible tells me that part of loving my wife is understanding how she is (granted, this will take forever lol) but I am to have some knowledge about her so I can be better in providing her needs as well as in general, being compassionate when she needs it, being affectionate when she's looking to be held, and even reading her well enough so I can understand her signals. This is why if two people have a solid friendship that's healthly, open, honest, trustworthy, or in other words...true friends, then marriage between them would be more of a bliss. A man who marries the woman that's been practically his friend has more to show in marriage because they are able to experience "greater" friendship in the fullest capacity that God has for them. Now, that wasn't Dr. Akin's pat, but mine; that is my understanding of what he really said.

As he continued, guiding us through the rest of chapter 8 of SOS, he told us 11 more "love is" points: love is private, personal, protected, possessive, preserving, priceless, pure, peaceful, priviledged, and particular. Love is not just something to show off to the world (like God did with His Love), but it's also a private affair for hubby and wifey. This goes beyond the friendship and puts the two into a special union with each other and God allowing them express the fullest magntitude of their love. Needless to say, that's what the SOS is all about; when two make love in marriage, it's nothing like the movies and nothing the like the dry tasteless pleasures that some people are getting in dark alleys or whorehouses. This love that a man and woman engage in is an art, a craft, and their personal and private world where they hold nothing back and let their love reach the highest mountains and back. I have personally engaged in sex when I was a teenager and sadly, again, during my unstable relationship with someone in my distant past. In both of those cases, it never came close to being what Scripture would picture it (come to think of it, does anything?). But, I've never been married so that would be understandable. But the talk of it and the more I understand it from a Bible prospective, it's something so precious and wonderful and worth the wait. I will be spending my time keeping what I do have left of myself until I finally marry that special woman and then I can celebrate her by expressing real, true love to her for the rest our life. However, I'm getting ahead of myself; let me discuss the other points.

The private affair is what most of us men really desire, but there are other components to that that make the private affair the height of love, the critical mass of the friendship of the marriage, unashame affection, more sweet. These also affect both positively (when things are well) and negatively (if things aren't going so well) but for the most part, these are all good things. Love is personal; I like to think of this is love being willing and self-giving. It means something when someone loves you and they are commitment to doing so for life. Some people are afraid of commitment, but they are looking to love, then committing themselves to someone will require them to be serious about it. This tells me that love hast to be intentional, given, and nurtured. As fallen men (and women) we are not naturally prone to love one another; Christ has come to teach us to love one another and to be self-giving. Personal love can be summed up as love that is given out of the intent of the heart, willing, and conscentual. With that, love is protected. Husbands will vigorously protect their wives against anything that may come and attack their love affair as well as from general harm. I'm thinking more of spiritual attack than physical attack though (since our true enemies are spiritual as are natural human conditions). But in general, woman do want to be and feel protected. And that goes with the next one, love is possessive., to where something value of mine will be heavily guarded and kept very close to my heart. My woman is mine and no one is going to take her away from me. This type of jealously (in regards to SOS 8:6) is equivalent to the jeolously that God has when it comes to His glory. As we recall, the Scriptures say that "I am the LORD, that is My name, I will not give My glory to another...." NASB Is:42:8. Just as the LORD will not share His glory with anyone else, so the husband and wife will not share their love with another. As Dr. Akin put it, guy must be a one woman man, and the woman must be a one man lady. Just as God is in love with man, He is in love with no other creature in the same way He is with us! (Gee, is anyone catcthing the parallels so far?) Dr. Akin continues.

Love is powerful; love that is strong like the grave and flames of fire (SOS 8:6-7) cannot fade away. One that's infactuated will easily lose that fire, that spark that made things so wonderful. But love, love cannot fade, it will not be quenched, it will not drown. When someone loves you, it's forever. That should be sobering as much as it is very difficult. This, again, parallels the love of Christ. Jesus Christ loves His children/disciples/servants/priests/coheirs in spite of what we do. I know for me, personally, I feel like sometimes I'm on God's (bad side) when I do something dileberately against His will. My immediate thought is "Man, I'm a bad son, a bad servant and my master's going to get me for it." Granted, we will all be accountable for our actions  and our works as Christians, but the basic premise is this: "But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8).

While that is true, the Christian is still responsible for checking the sin that plagues the new life from the dead nature.But, God knows I'm still prone to sin despite a redeemed saint and a new creature. Of course He does, but He still loves me. In comparison, this is what the husband-wife relationship is to reflect when it comes to lasting love (I get that now....). That means that if I learn so much about the woman I'm dating (this is just an example) and she does something that passes for being a human sinner and I let that influence my feelings for her negatively, and I lose interest in her, I didn't love her. Love is the affection that sees the sin,and instead of taking that sin and adding salt to it, we add a compressor to it: the compressor of grace. Despite what my date has done, if I am learning to love her as a potential wife, then I must learn to forgive her because I'm a sinner myself and don't want her to put salt into my sin.

Furthermore, just as Christ has forgiven me and wiped away my sin for life, He has done the same thing to her. That means we both have to deal with our sin in a mature way that puts it under Christ's blood for forgiveness. Feelings that are here today, and gone tomorrow is not love. The best litmus test of love is for a man to love his woman as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her (Eph 5). That means, to me, that the woman I desire to marry I have to ensure that I would die for her. That means I should develop enough love for her to give her my life and give my life in place of hers if it meant she'll be happy. There it is; Jesus gave  His life for us so that we could be free of sin. A man should be willing and able to offer his life for his woman because the love of Christ compels us to do so. He wants to; he loves her, he'd rather die in her place if it meant that she''ll be spared the pains of this life to experience the grace of God's love if it came to her harm and wellbeing. Ouch!!!

Love is preserving; it's lasting, it never fails, it hopes all things and endures all things. That means the family trials will not hinder the bond between a man and a woman. While I know this is important to many us, myself included, in the end, the man or woman will hopefully have the maturity and love enough to do their best to co-exist with the other family if it meant that the relationship to his future wife or to her future husband would be better. This also means that Satan himself cannot break up relationships that are fueled by love (but he will certainly try). Think of God's love; nothing can separate us from the love of God. In the similar way, true love cannot be separated by distance, time, or cicumstances. Love is priceless; this is self-explanatory, but this is to say that if anyone tries to buy love then they're a fool. Love is pure. Love is unashamed, purified by God, and not to be defiled in any way. Love is peaceful; this is heavy. Many relationships have been found to be insecure; I know this all too-well. In the last two relationships, I have been insecure because I spent too much time trying to convince myself that I needed to be with someone. Now, that I look back on that, I know that's not the way things are suppose to be done. The best way to have peace in a relationship is to know your partner.

This is why Dr. Akin stressed for two people to build a solid, strong, Godly friendship first before going to the next level. It also brings security; if you are sure about the other person and you know you want to be with them and that they want to be with you, then there's no question that they'll turn around and stab you in the back. Love doesn't stab, but love is faithful. If I knew that my relationship was secured with the woman I love, then I don't every have to worry about losing her. Just like salvation, the love between a man and a woman is secured by the seal of true love (the ring...and whatever the couple values together). SOS tells us that the woman told her lover to put her like a seal over his heart. If I love my woman, I'll give her my seal that's placed over my heart.

Love is both priviledged and particular. It's not done under obligation, but done out of genuine, sincere, devotion, respect, and voluntarily. Love is particular (was a difficult one he mentioned so I'm going to do another very bad paraphrase) was a hard point, but I understood like this: Love is established and well defined. That means just as there are doctrines in the church the love between the two people also have to be specific and well-defined.

My Personal Challenge

 So, with all of these things, I've been challenged extremely much as a single who's had failures in relationships. I personally blame myself for all of them because my decisions were not very good. Although the romantics didn't work out, I have been able to maintain my friendships with two of them in the end. I cherish them very much and I respect their walks with the LORD. However, I take the lessons they gave me and I use them to re-evaluate myself so that I become a better Christian man. I think what clicked during this sermon was the fact that I've been given a clear, definite explanation of love and what it's not (not that I haven't before).

It also has become clear that my relationship with God is the key to EVERYTHING. My daily walk with God and how close I am to Him will fuel all my other relationships that God has given me. That means that Godly women will be drawn to me only because of God and His relationship with me. As a friend reminded me the other day, a Godly woman wants a Godly man who is a family man. That time I spend with my family is critical because it lets her know that I am actively engaged in building up my family, which is key when the time comes for me to start getting along and building with her family.

Furthermore, what I have taken away from this, is the issue of love. After my last relationship 2 years ago, I went on a personal journey to figure out my heart and love. I needed to know how I knew I loved someone and the signs that accompanied it. I know now that as I strive to become a more mature Christian that love is something that is taught and demonstrated. I have to learn it. It's also an act that is only possible with the love and guidance of God. While feelings can be invovled with love, it's the primary indicator that I love someone. Love puts the person at more than they are because love is a gift that is given by God. Furthermore, love is based on my relationship with God. If I'm not nurturing my relationship with Him, then I can forget about trying find me a wife. Otherwise, this is reason for me to critically, harshly, aggressively, and daily engage in my relationship with my Father.

Also, in looking for the one, I now know that I need to prayerfully and carefully find a woman that God leads me to (or place in my life). While I'm looking I need to do it with patience, with wisdom, and with the intent to fall in love.

Parting Thoughts

In between what God is doing through my friend and through my church, I am becoming better at accurately assessing my areas of needed improvement and as my new theme and goal in my new year in Christ is growing to become a Christ-centered leader. My personal mission is to focus on walking and talking and worshipping God as I walk through life. For the sake of my family, my friends, and that future spouse of mine somewhere, I cannot afford anymore to skimp on my relationship with God. I have also been renewly motivated to look for potentials with the intent to love her and share all that God has given me with her as well. I don't want to live this life alone and I want to share my life with someone else. I've been to this dating site and that one and I have no matches. To be humorous, eharmony is unable to match me because my profile is too high quality. Years ago, I had more than 80 something matches. Only one of them, however, succeeded. That match succeeded not in marriage though, but in a friendship that I really enjoy. To be honest, I really enjoy talking with her.  I'm obviously going somewhere with this. But I"ll stop here and say this instead: I don't know how God is going to use her in my life right now, but I'm glad she's in my life.

 

It's time I be a man who is about loving God and is actively worshipping God each day and letting my public and private life meet up. Who ever I chose to date, I will do it with patience, being very careful, and at the same time being very understanding. Once I put my eye on the new woman, I'll be able to see how God uses my life to attract her. Hopefully, in the end, after I get to Kansas and am settled, I'll be finally ready to get married. I set no date, no time, but simply just let things happen by God's system. With that said, I do have someone in mind, but again, I'm in no hurry, not anymore. For now, I want to learn all that I can so that I can learn to love her and let God lead me in this process. I am a leader; I am a man in God's army; I am a prince, once again, looking for his princess. But not just a princess, a partner, One who adds to the blessings that God has given me and makes like more a blessing like Eve did in the garden. Anyway, guess I'll be writing again from now.....and the one I want to be in love with is the one I'm intending to be with..forever! For the rest of my life, til death does us part. Oh Lord, help me love you so I can love another especially the one you'll send me way. And in case you're wondering, I do have someone in mind. And in light of what God told me today, I will continue to put what He's taught me into practice at the same time praying about someone that I'm inquiring about. In the end, if God leads things a certain way, I hope she'll be the permanent one.  But for now, like I said, I just learn, ask and wait, and focus on building my relationship with God so that it'll make my current relationships sweeter and my future relationship an ultimate blessing; that and getting to Kansas lol.

Reflections of A 28 Yr. Old

Well, it's once again that time...I turn another year. And yet, even though now I'm 28, much of life doesn't seem to really be very different from before. I think the best thing, though, is that I still know where I am planning to go in the near future to start and establish my life. Over the past year, the urge and push to relocate to Kansas has been stronger as I continue to experience the present trials of living in Charlotte, NC. One thing I will say, though, is this...being in DC or Kansas is much different than being in Charlotte. I think the main reason is because Charlotte doesn't offer much in the community of young people, like me, in their post20s and early 30s in regards to the single life. Granted, most men (and women) my age are married and have families; while I have neither (except for my blood family), there is something that demands my attention: my relationship with God.

 

Over the past few years, it has been rough. Well, not past few years but maybe the past two years instead. Ever since things at Hillcrest and other events that happened afterward and onward have pushed me into more an independent attitude both in a natural sense and a spiritual sense. The pressures of life have been minimized into a simple formula of just focusing on myself while my time in service to the Lord has been in the burden of labor rather than the attitude of servitude. I have experienced the aggressive of the youth I've worked with over the past couple of years (this year included). And yet, all these challenges seem so easy compared with being the lone ranger in regards to that. But, ti's okay and I've decided to put my energy focusing on a few things.

 

The first thing is concentrating on the Lord and finding a "bond" link in regards to continuing the same level of study and build up that Bible college has set me into. Trying to maintain the flavor and vigor of studying Him, His Word, and the vastness of the wisdom of God continues to be extra fuel for me on days where I thought about things from more theological standpoints than just rational thoughts. The last thing is working on being more self-disiciplined in my lifestyle. I gotta say that I was more disciplined during high school than I was in college. But now, that restraint and that vive is necessary for me to be strong in my independent studies with the Lord. I am also essentially pursuing the area of ministry that echoes my uprising career as a paraprofessional: a Sunday school teacher. That even has it's challenges demonstrated in the difficulties I had this past year working with elementary children.

 

One other thing, of course, is trying to deny myself in the area of gratification. This continues to be a critical and yet harsh area that remains difficult to control. Part of my reason for pushing myself to focus on other things is to help me suppress what I could otherwise pursue through other avenues, which wouldn't be right according to Scripture. I have determined that I want God's best, but yet I continue to fail to try and pursue the very best He can give me. I need continual prayers for that as time continues to pass and temptations of the flesh get stronger and more inticing by the world.

 

One other thing I have planned on through the next year, besides the KTF (Kansas Transition Fund), is to write more, perhaps serveral times a week. I've been an examiner for over a month now and it's been very challenging to keep up and fresh in writing to a new audience each day looking for ratings and a rising score. Yet, it's perfect because it teachers me to be concise and not verbose (like I am lol).

 

Still, though, after 28 years, I do realize something: I am special, unique, one-of-a-kind, and still a person with strong needs and desires and a man that has been changed by God. I believe it's time for me to take another a step into something new; this year, I want to do nothing but focus on God Himself in a new way. A way where everything He's taught me comes out through my writing, speech, and even conduct. The "flavor" of God is what I seek; as I move into relocating within the next year. This flavor is what attracts Godly women to a Godly man. I cannot receive or accept any woman more than these.....not a perfect one, but the perfect sinner who's just like me! Maybe an older one...who knows? In the end, though, I'll still write my stories and play my videogames, but the one thing that will speak lounder than those will be my love and devotion to my Lord. It's time I begin this new year with a fresh and anewed focus on who God is and re-introducing Jesus Christ into my life so that I can be reminded of what He's really wanting me to do in future ministry. Besides, the journey to 30 is now short lived and approaching fast; I want something to be accomplished. Just what will be...I certainly do not know!

Awaiting What Lies Ahead -- Faith VS Action

The summer is almost here. Just over a month until my job as a ten month employee ends for a small season. Vacation looms over the horizen as well as other opportunities to make a living during the heated days of June, July, and parts of August. What lies ahead is only in the hands of God. Despite the plans I'm currently making and pursuing, the outcome of everything depends on God's final proclaimation of His will. That is, whatever He has decreed to be of and in my life during the next several months will come to pass in the tangible sightings of my life (as well as the intangible). To me, however, all my eyes can see and my mind foresee is the plans that I have set forth. I don't pursue them lightly; these are plans that are fueled by passion and hope. In the end, I am expecting my faith to give way to my efforts to trust God to work all things out for the best; a better way to say this is that I"m waiting to see how God works everything out for good so that it's His glory pursued in the end and not my own ambition; rather, ambition mixed with faith, wrapped in hope, demonstrated through my actions to pursue the will of God. I remember a time or two when I pursued something very dear to me....sometime in the past, in the distant yet unforgettable past.

 

Tales From The Past Tell the Story of the Future

 

Sweat poured down my face, ambition rose in my heart. My notebook laid opened and bare exposing the filled pages with the options to possible futures that waited for me. Was it really this school I was looking forward to? What was I going to do once I got there? College is a place for the elite, a place where men become scholars and women become bonofide independant strongholds. Both are necessary to change and develop the lives of the young and nurish the old. And just exactly how I was suppose to change this world? Was this through science, through astronomy? Was gazing through telescopes the way to change how people gazed at the outside world? Was it my passion to find and locate a cure to help ease my disorder so that my digestive system will finally be normal and not abnormal? How about that cure for AIDS I said I was going to discover? Regards, I had decided that this was the way to go. Only, just what school was I going to attend? And...another thought plagued my mind....what this was I was really meant to do? What if science is just one of those side hobbies that look awesome from this angle, but as I get closer, it becomes nothing more than just another dream that was filled with skepticism? What if I was really wanting to be something, someone more. Closing my notebook, I headed to the tv. I turned on my cold, but yet active playstation and beamed up my favorite game. It was Final Fantasy 7. As I resumed my game, my mind resumed it's thinking. These characters, this story plot, all interwined with each other. Not one of them knows how this story will end; I do, as I"ve beaten the game several times. But they don't know that. Just how do they know that whatever they do the planet (in the game) will be saved by Holy and yet things will be so different? Who's to say that when they reach the Northern Cave that great peril awaits them! Who's also to say that the main character and his friend will form a bond so solid and stronger than before that their link is necessary to defeat Sephiroth's evil plot. They dont; that's just it. Besides, this is just a game. It can't teach me anything....

 

It May Be Final, But Faith Isn't Fantasy

 

One thing many RPGs have in common is that the characters find themselves believing in some time of "object" or "being" to believe in. The circumstances that surround the story is all different, the general premise is that some higher power of creation controls all things and achieves it's own agenda in the end. This higher being can use things for good and allow mankind to get out of hand with things or this higher power and "destroy" creation through the events of sufferings, catasphrophies, or even through evil. In some cases, the higher power is seen as the evil who will destroy humanity because humanity is too evil and too out of control to continue bettering themselves. So, in some cases, the characters vow to destory the outside influnence (i.e. God), so that they can have the independence to choose a world and path of destiny that is fully in their hands (i.e. Star Ocean 3) . Either way, the common root is that each of these characters choose to carry something with them that is invaluable. That is....faith!  Faith accompanied by works. The characters in FF7 realized that although they lacked the powers to defeat Sephiroth and halt the summoning of Meteor, they continued fighting because they believed that they had the power to change the world; they wanted to at least try, even if it meant their death. And they weren't along, as they knew that Aeris would come through, as she possessed the powers of the first ancient tribe that dwelled on earth; without her, just fighthing and taking on Meteor and Sephiroth wouldn't be possible. Thankfully, because of their faith and their passion and cause to resume fighting, the entire planet was able to survive the impact of Meteor as well as the remnants of those who wanted to rebirth Sephiroth into the world (ie. Final Fantasy Advent Children). But how is that different from the faith I possess? Simple: I possess a faith that isn't a fantasy (or in a fantasy world created by human hands) but a faith that is so real and plausible that nothing is impossible, with the object of faith, who is God!  So that is to say that nothing is impossible with God; and I stress (as well as the Scriptures do), NOTHING is impossible with God.

 

Faith VS Reason

But now, I have one problem: I know that to be true and not a lie (this isn't the problem obviously). The real problem is that I live as though it was a lie (there, I said it). As a mentor told me, "We live as practical atheists." Although we (Christians) are believers we sometimes take our faith for granted and as some fairy tale RPG and treat our lives like we don't believe God's promises. We simply know, in the head, that God is real and that Jesus Christ is our way and our Righteousness, but yet our heart tells our body that we live as though none of this makes any sense. We live as though we don't believe the gospel. Faith without works is dead, according to the Scriptures. But, was does that look like? For me, it looks obvious. So obvious that it's something that I cannot hide, even now. Faithless living in the area of provision and trusting the LORD in the area of singleness. I say to myself sometimes that "it'll take a special woman to be with me" Or even something like this: "I hope that God has someone for me, but I become less and less a believer that it's His will." While some of this may imply faith, in reality it doesn't. In these statements I imply a simple but yet disturbing meaning: I am believing that God will not make provision in providing a mate so I either mean that He won't (not necessary that He isn't able to) or that I REFUSE to trust Him (given the failures and "promising" leads I"ve had in the past) to do so and instead I take the helm assuming that I will be able to succeed where He seems to be failing.  I know how serious this is...I really do. And therein lies many issues of my own heart. This is also where I make my confession (not a confession of faith but rather a confession of truth). For years, ever since my first incident of broken heart, I sought to under why people fall in love, what it is, and how it comes about for many people. I come closer and closer to answer year after year. It wasn't until I started reading C.S. Lewis' "Mere Christianity" that somethings began to make sense.

 

The Heart of the Matter

The issue of "falling in love" is just as misunderstood just as the concept of Jesus being both God and Man at the same time. Granted, I understand a bit about the hypostatic union (believe it or not) but not to the degree of coming to a reasonable, humanifide explanation more than I do about falling in love. But this is what I do know and I finally realize after all this time: love is not an emotion. Therefore, falling in love isn't something "I feel" but rather...it's something I do. Love...it's an action. God loved us so He "sent" His only Begotten Son to die on the cross for my sins (and your sins). He even raised Him from the dead and placed Him on His right hand to rule above all and over creation. God loved us so much that He gave us life from the womb of our mothers. God loved me so much that He "gave" me a second birth so that I will be able to participate in His salvation plan for the universe. God "fell" in love with me because "He" wanted me to be part of Himself and share in everything He has to offer which is Himself. It is His "desire" that I love Him and follow Him and serve Him and "obey" Him in everyway. The realization is that I am like a sheep going daily to the slaughter because I'm too dumb to even stop sinning even when I"m told over 100 times to do so. And yet, God continues to pursue me and He chases me down like a thief running from the cops; I get caught and He loves me even more. And yet the hardest part I have to deal with is my constant disobedience and struggles to the things that hinder me from being effective to the LORD. I pray, attempt to read my Bible, and even ask others to pray for me; and yet, the work, the effort on my part, always seems to fail and I end up struggling even harder than the first time I"ve tried. Yet, there is hope; I have hope. The hope is that I will not have to struggle with this "thing" anymore if I can continue to fight and make the effort to stay away from this damaging and terrible thing. It's been in my life for a while now ever since my first year of college and yet it's so difficult for me to shake; I"m too ashamed of even actually revealing what it is (this way) but am not reluntanct to share what it is in private. I do know that as long as this does remain in my life, the opportunities for a mate will be even harder to come by. While just trying to meet women online (through online dating) is very hard, it's harder just trying to meet the right ones in person. And it's getting even harder as I get older. Even when I get to Kansas, the statistics say that over half of the population is married, leaving me with one of the lowest percentages to be unmarried and not in any sort of relationship. And...I'm almost 30 years old (I'll be 28 in just over a month). But if you think about it, I can almost be thought of having something wrong with me because I have no girlfriend, no suiterettes, and no "obvious" interests that I can pinpoint. All I get to have every now and then is an occasional crush on a woman and yet there are so many beauties out there. The problem I also have is that my personal history has proven that the ones I"m interested in are the ones that end up turning me down and the ones I never think about or find interesting are the ones that have a crush on me. Well, that's high school philosophy for ya; this isn't high school, this is the life of a man who's had over thirty or so jobs in the past ten years he's been out of high school and who was voted "most likely to succeed". Yeah, right!

 

The Implication

 

So, what? What happens now? For me, I may have missed opportunities, but one important thing to note is that I haven't missed anything that God has set apart for me to have. That is to say: what God has for me, it is definitely for me. The plans of the LORD cannot be thwarted (they cannot be changed, thrown off, impacted by human decision and actions) and so those things in which He has decreed for my life will happen in their appointed times. Granted, this is the stem of hope I have when it comes to finally getting a spouse (and I do mean a stem). And that's not the only thing; finishing college once and for all, and finally living a steady life with a career and well-managed finances (despite my student loands) is all part of all of this. It just seemed like all I ever did was start things and I didn't finish them; I want to change that. All I have now is just the faith to believe that God will work all of this out; my life in Kansas is something I desire strongly; I personally believe that my desire to live in Kansas grows deeply each day and that God is slowly ushering me into a place to prepare for an incredible but yet difficult life that will have harder challenges and even more sufferrings than what's already present. The question is how am I responding to what's already in my life now. Part my lunch conversation with a dear friend (and mentor...and for the record, any pastor or professor I meet in the Christian field I automatically consider a mentor) dealt with how I handle being single. Granted, this is where I've also failed. I have done better with this so far, since then, but it's not enough and I'm slipping again. I guess that's why I've also enacted this transition as it serves as a goal and a focus to be completed. Like in Final Fantasy 13, the L'cieth are given a focus to complete -- a special task given to them by the Fal'Cie, a higher power of Pulse, to which they are to due in a certain time period or otherwise be turned into Cieth (monsters). In some ways, this is my focus -- moving to Kansas and establishing the life I've been looking to have in a place where I can really be happy. Not that I haven't tried to be happy anywhere else, but there is something I really love about living in Kansas that for some reason drives me to more and more to a happier pace. Thus, I am dediciated to completing the focus, with God's help and trusting that this is God's will as I"ve prayed many times before, so that in the end I will be more proned to enjoy my life. Besides, the advantage of living in Kansas is that there are alot of my people my age in close proximity (Hillsboro is a college town and there are many college bound adults surrounded in other communities). While this may be true in many places like Charlotte (where I am now) it's not quite the same flavor and like DC great distance seperates opportunities to meet many people unless I"m actually in college

 

So, what about now? I guess that means that as I continue to pursue Kansas that I hold on to it for dear life. It's the only thing I really have right now because for me, Kansas is the love of my life. It's a place that I truly feel in love with it. Not just emotionally, but somewhat, mystically. There is a mystery, an indescriable feeling, a strong wind of desire, a strong sense of purpose, urging me to be in that place. Just maybe, then, it's the place I was always meant to be. Maybe it was just God's will to get me to Kansas and He used His wonderful Soverignty to get me there. And thanks to everything that's happened, to urge and usher me more and more towards that place, I finally settle in my mind and heart to finally be there, permanently. Because now that I think about it, maybe that's why I haven't been able to find and land a good catch on a mate or even finish at WBC or even other things. Because maybe all that He has for me is in that place and it's just waiting for me to arrive. But even if I'm wrong (which I will surmise that I am) then all that awaits for me is the fact that I will be in a place that I can truly call my home and a place that I absolute love even if I'm to be alone for the rest of my life. At least they'll be no place like home!!!

Old Tales, New Adventures -- Changes From The Past, Towards the Future

I'm very late in starting my first entry in this new year, but I've thinking of new ways to write my blogs as well as the content of them. It seems as though most of my blogs are "rants" and "raves" about the woes of life and my misfortunes. So, I've decided to start being more "organized" and centralized in the way I write. Thus, I have decided being more "biographical" in my information. Many people are typically aware of who I am when I write, but to understand who I really am, I think it's time to revisit some of my stories from the past. That is, I'm going to just starting sharing some stories in the past and link them to the current central theme (usually given in the title but drew out in context in the blog content itself). It's also weird that I've chosen Valentine's Day to start my new entry for 2010, but hey, it's just one of those times in which writing is much better on days like this. The bulk and flavor of my writings (in the past) have always been at my lowest points whether in the natural order of life or just emotionally and mentally. In a sense, tho I'm quite numb when it comes to days like this (by choice), it does have it's toll on me deep down. As such, this new format of my blog will feature intros to the content, the past story, and then the present application (or implication). I would also that I'll try not to be long, but hey, that's just me. I just figured that this year is about transition and that I would do well to start at the beginning of much of what happened earlier in life. Just maybe this is something I need to remind myself where I'm going as well as to remember who I am (and Who's I am).

Looking For A Reason To Belong, To Exist

Children do some amazing things when they're small. They learn to crawl, walk, and then talk. Then, some eventually begin to master that skill by agonizing their parents by making loud noises all hours of the day, get into things that are out of their reach (or so we thought), and even figure out how to hide things we need to find. Some, as they get older, however, begin to think. Not just think, but THINK!!!! That is, they start the question phase: "Why is the sky blue? Why am I this color? What is my name meaning? Why do they call me this or that? Are there other people like me? For me, back when I was in elementary school, maybe six grade or so, these questions (especially the last one) begin to become more evident. I questioned to why I was so alone, in terms of company. I was usually by myself (mostly by choice I must admit), but at other times because other kids had their choices of friends (engaged in social contracts with the same individuals) and that resulted into being by myself on the playground. Rewinding time, I had little to no friends when I was really young. My friend base would be less than 2 or 3 friends (no more than on average). I had only kid to be friends with, and typically that would be for but a season. Even then, tho, I was quiet. I was an individual who didn't talk for a long while, and was always "curious" and zombie-like when it came to processing the information around me. It would seem as though I was an exception to the rule. In kindergarten I was alone in doing a math paper that I had to finish (I refused it because it was too hard); while I sat there staring at that paper the entire class was playing a cool game with the teacher. I was just left alone sitting at my desk being tormented by that paper evidenced by my falling tears and being secluded as I watched those kids have fun. Me, no. No fun, just there, alone. I don't remember if I finished the paper, but I do know that I tried working it on for a bit. Friends, what friends? Do you make friends that young in age? I did make some later, but eventually it would be a normal pattern of friends coming and then going. My first friend, ever, was a little boy named John-John. He lived above us and we got along great. I know that there were other friends I had, but one of them that stands out among the many was Renee, my first crowned childhood, friend (and maybe a bit of crush...yes, folks, it's possible; children aren't immune to these sorts of things, especially me since I was exposed to so much as a young child (not always a good thing ya know).

What can I possibly say about Renee? Alot. I don't remember how we began friends, but I do believe that she was one of the first in my class to become my friend (not surprisingly). Perhaps it was her who comforted me after I wailed for what seemed like hours when I first separated from my parents on the first day of school. Maybe it was just because i was by myself alot because getting along with others was foreign to me. Maybe it was because that when I was with her, the world was different. It didn't seem like it was so scary or big. She was like a big sister; maybe a bit more than that. The biggest thing was that she would often fend off others who came and bothered me, teased me, called me all kinds of names. That was until, oneday, just like that...she was gone. She had moved, she had vanished. I heard she skipped a grade, but nevertheless, she was gone just like that oneday. My days at Blow Elementary were three years (counting kindergarten) and yet they seemed trite and boring after Renee had gone. I felt, alone. That cold word that I know so well. Just like years later, I questioned what had happened? Where's my friend? Where had she gone? Will I ever see her again? I so much wanted to. Maybe then, that's what I attempted to do, but because I couldn't find her I had to find "her replacement". That's another story. Let's return to six grade now.

Just like in the my earlier grades, I was alone on that black top at Middleton Valley Academy and questioned why I had to be the long ranger. Away from the blacktop, at home and any other time I was alone, I wondered the same thing: Why am I here? What purpose do I have? What's so special about me?  My mother had told me about God (in general) and told me about Jesus who was also different. Granted I didn't understand this, but I believed that whatever the reason was, it was special. Unlike anything else.  I just, however, wanted a simple answer: why are things the way they are? Why do they have to be this way and why do I seem to be alone?

Questions & Answers, What Really Lies Behind the Scenes

Granted, a bit of this was answered years later after being saved by God. Most of my questions were answered, but a few still remain. That is, the question of alone. Not alone in terms of being alone without friends and family; alone, rather, by special means (i.e. having a significant other, wife). I still wonder the same today and yet the fear of being alone is typical for me. Despite my friends encouragement (to which I appreciate) I still have that desire. I have lost three (maybe four) women in the workings of romance. To the best as to why, most of it falls into not being mature, not being considerate, and not communicating. And even the most suspected reason (for one woman/girl)  for my relationship with Christ (or rather, allowing my decisions and influences to be drawn out into the way I spoke with her). In the end, though, my first relationship was the result of just her not wanting my love and my friendship, even though I was good to her. Not only that, I treated her prolly better I did my future interest because I believe she was IT!!! She was all there was to loving another human being; I was in love with her. Her parents really liked me and I prayed for her like there was no tomorrow. I was going to marry her; rather, i did love her and claimed her as my future wife. I made it known to the world and didn't back down. In the end, though, all was shattered and left broken. I finally had to give her up because I realized that I was naive and she didn't want to have anything to do with me. A friend called her on the phone oneday and I listened on the other end (silently) and he asked her what she thought of me. She said, "about Reggie? Reggie, well, i don't know....just not feeling him." Something to that affect.Whatever the case, it seems as though she had something against me but couldn't quite say what it was. It wasn't like she said "well, he's a nice guy and he's been good but he's just not for me" or something like that. Even that wouldn't been acceptable. Even though I've given her some of my most valuable possessions, the notion of my being a good friend wasn't even on her register. After I decided to "let her go" just agreed to go our separate ways (I thought I was being a burden when I called her even though it was every once and a while) I made efforts to send her emails just to see how she was doing. I never got a response back; not even one. I even ran into her father a while ago (about two years ago) and he remembered me (and he's only seen me a few times) and he mentioned that I was a good guy. In fact, her mother was even willing to hold conversations with me when I called her house; but that girl herself, it was now as though I don't even exist. All the efforts of loving her and showing her how much I cared all those years were in vain. It amounted to nothing;  our history even as friends is no longer a value.

Implication -- The Failure of Now

I guess in the long run, this is why it's difficult for me to "fall in love" again. Granted, though, that special feeling I had came back over a year and half ago when I meet someone special. Unfortunately, that too didn't last long. So just like before I had lost that feeling. It makes me wonder how that feeling could come and go and I haven't felt it but for so long after the first. To be alone, then, is something I have because it's something I know well. Granted, being "truly" alone doesn't exist. I have friends and family; those are awesome. But like many of my friends now, they've gotten married and some are even are on the verge of starting families. Just a handful of them are still unmarried. That would include me; I'm on the verge of turning 30 (in about two years, after June 11th of this year). The question of "Man, why are you still single? What's wrong with you?).. It's like someone asked me the other day: "You seem so mature for your age, why aren't you married yet?") Good question. I'm still finding the answer to that. Maybe it's because I love being alone without wanting to be alone (if that makes sense). To be honest, maybe that's my special purpose. Maybe it's because being alone helps me draw out the gift of suffering much more. Or maybe it's through this type of suffering I am at my most valuable points in  life. Or, maybe suffering is my gift and it comes through being alone. Whatever the case, it's no fun. I attempted to repair my views and compromises as I contemplate being in another relationship; I did make some changes in my last one, ones I don't ordinarily make, but even in the end, it didn't matter. So, maybe....it's just ME! It's just the fact that I don't get to have what many of my friends now have and enjoy. Who's to say that I never will? Maybe I really will be alone for the rest of my life, just like at the math table when I was in kindergarten. It feels alot like that now, actually; my friends and my family just simply suppress what I really want and without them it would be worse (so I'm thankful to have them). But is that enough? God is with me and God loves me and I accept that. But as a man who wants to be married and have a loving wife that receives and returns that love in the same way, I'm finding myself finding nothing. Sure, I was close before, but even then, I wasn't ready. Maybe time was against me, but now that I've learned so many things, it would've been different then (if I had that knowledge I now possess). Still, though, Valentine's Day is a day where it can make things worse. Today is suppose to be about love; not for me. Say what you want, but this day, at this point, will never be a good day in my history. Maybe of course until a that woman has enough heart and faith to deal with a complicated man like myself. A nice guy I might be, a good friend I might be, but as a lover, it seems as that that is my ultimate failure. A romancer at heart I might be, but that doesn't matter to the women of my past (to many of them anyway, not all of them) but it seems as all that matters for many is to turn out to be the man they "thought" they wanted. Since I cannot entertain that or be the image I'm sure many women have in their minds, then I guess I'm on my own. To that I say, so be it. Alone I am now, alone I shall be...at least I'm not truly alone, but maybe as an individual man, I might be.

Wiping the Tears Away, Smiling With New Resolves

So, it's that time of the year again already...or should I say, it's about to be a new year in just a dozen more hours. 2009 has come and will soon be gone. It makes me wonder how much more the new year will be something more challenging than both 2008 and 2009. As I reflect back on these moments from 2009, I must say that this has been the most difficult year in many regards, but also the most blessed year because of many things that transpired in 2008. In a sense, many events in 2008 carried over (like a bad seasonal story arc) in 2009 that will make 2010 a very different but hopefully a very exciting year.  I just wanted to highlight a few key things that happened this year as I go into what I have planned (prayerfully) for 2010.

As this year started, I saw myself continuing in my job as an independent contractor working for a small office for a contracting agency in Vienna, VA. Returning as a paraeducator, but on an outside contract, I made a living for the hours and work I put in at the Hamilton Center in NW DC. This was the most challenging position I've ever had, although it was only my second year as a para. The challenge was working with youth (middle school) with ED or with "special needs" who not only just needed help with academia but behavior and emotions as well. Working at this alternative school (which is classified as Special Ed), I saw both my past struggles returning as well as fighting the temptation to simply crack under extreme pressure. This job propelled me into many difficulties as well as new anxieties and many even some "disorders" myself. The students challenged me mentally, physically, and verbally; most of the time, they're opposition to authority and the "slap-on-the-wrist" treatment was enough to call it a permanent vacation. However, I did endure, at least until that unforgetful day in which they decided to pretend not to know me in the theme park, which nearly almost got me arrested from the park itself, ON MY BIRTHDAY no less! To be honest, that was the last draw I had with that and was a good thing it was the end of the school; if it wasn't, I'd be asking for a new assignment the very next day. It made the countless fightings and groanings of working there just another reason why many of them are there; I didn't want to give up, but at the same time just how far was I willing to go? It wasn't like these kids really had much of a special need, which couldn't be resolved if they had been properly disciplined. Still, though, looking back, if administration were tougher, my student and certain others wouldn't not been allowed to go on the trip to begin with. Still, though, I survived, I endured, I made it out to see another day and several more months lol. In the end though, it was propelled me to determine a long-term career path. These struggles and the dealings and the drive that kept me going despite the odds of the students and knowing what I had gotten into solidified my decision to continue a career in Special Education. As a para, mostly, not just an a teacher assistant with general assistant.

At that time, though, it wasn't the only thing going for me. My dad (stepdad) took sick in March of 2009. The school was approaching spring break and I wasn't going to visit my folks (here in Charlotte) until after that Saturday because Contra Dancing was very important to me. Prolly the best outlet I've had in a long time (other than writing) it was the only simply and small thing that allowed me to "live" with renewed focus and energy. But to give that up on that day, was also a great decision. My dad had been in the hospital for a number of things including check up for his hernia. He originally went there to get that checked out but in the process of discovering how and why this occurred, other problems became extremely evident. It got to the point where they had diagnosed him as a diabetic and then cancer. To be more precise, pancreatic cancer. And that's what took him. They gave him a few months, then maybe a month, then maybe a week. Immediately following his hospital to home transition, he only last three days. He was horrible, terrible, and not how I wanted to remember him by, but unfortunately, my life is one where much has occurred very much in ways I dislike. I believed he died Tuesday March 26, 2009 between 6pm and 6:30pm as this is when I noticed he became less responsive to no responsive at all. We got him cremated and he resides in a special place here in the house. This was our very first Christmas without him....it has gone okay, but we must certainly never forget him. Despite other things and details of his life, however, our family still struggles to rid of the loop of debt and bad credit that he left us with.

As the year went on, tho, I decided to return and relocate to Charlotte to support my family. Not just with the finances (which are mostly rent) but with driving as well; that has been a very huge part of my duties to my family because without a second driver we'd be scrambling for eggs. To my knowledge, as my mother has shared with me, my being here has been a very huge help and that's all I've been planning to be. But, I am not without limits. The transition to Kansas has also begun. I had decided to relocate to Kansas and be established there by the year 2012. As I've shared mostly through this blog, I am using what's left of my 20s to propel myself into a permanent place of residence. Most my friends and others that I've known has used their twenties to get started on many of this firsts; for me, I've started many things since my first year of college but never have I really finished anything. I don't have my first car, I don't have  my first car insurance bill or anything like that, but I do have my first permanent decision: pitch my tent in Kansas. That is, in Hillsboro, Kansas. That's a story that takes me back to four years ago to when I originally came to Charlotte. I figured since I have not much of a life and no dependents and no commitments (binding commitments that is) that I will use what's left of what I do have to finally complete something in my life. That goes from settling into a permanent or long-term career to a place of residence that I can finally call my home and not just another place on the map that I moved to because of circumstances. Those decisions that crafted the permanence in my mind for this transition go back to 2008; feel free to read the entries of that year to discover what happened. But why 2012? Because I wanted to have a fresh start to my life in every regard at the start of my life and spend the time laying a foundation for whatever future my family has left. As such, my family, as a whole, have plotted Kansas on the map as a future for us all; not simply just a place to visit, but to be part of us. My little sister has already been looking forward to learning more about Kansas and what it's like there. The hope is that she'll (along with the rest of the family) will visit Kansas in the near future after I get settled there. I am planning for us to spend next Christmas in Kansas, as a result, despite whether or not phase 1 is completed or not. In speaking of which, I've chosen these phases as a means of marking my progress in working through this transition. How it stands now, I am planning on having a good portion of money saved up by the summer of 2010 to carry out the end of phase 1, which initially marks the beginning on phase 2, the moving phase. Phase one, obviously, is the financial stage. Stage 3, which is timelined between 2011 and 2012, marks the end of the transition altogether and begins the establishment phase. By 2012, transition three should be both beginning and ending (ending in a sense that I have all I need to be able to carry an income and life with a single job without any supports -- i.e. a second job). That way, I can then move into unmarked and unidentified part of my life that I've put on the side burner for quite some time, which ironically, is the center of the transition as a whole. I'll share my thoughts about that later, as that's not important right now, but only a few that I've shared that with know considerably. Consequently, moving to Charlotte was to prepare to carry out phase 1 and begin the phase outlet for phase 2. I am estimating, with circumstance and timing and others factors, that phase 1 will be completed no later than August of 2010, which puts me into the moving phase in that same month, to Hillsboro, Kansas. If that changes (which is automatically planned into phase 2, as the initial phase is really set between 2010, 2011.).

To help with phase one, I've managed to secure a position in CMS working as a teacher assistant. That does two things for me, propel me into the first workings of phase 1 and adds more time and experience to my newfound career in special education. The location this time is Metro School in uptown Charlotte. Although I'm not anticipating another year, I will still work here even if phase one requires one more year (initially it is two years, not just one). Working at this school, however, has also presented me with new challenges as I'm now working with children with special needs, who reallllly need them. I am in the autism unit with several children in one classroom, but currently divided into two classes (in other words, two classes sharing one mega huge classroom). I work in the middle school unit with a math teacher and her other assistant. The other classroom has two assistants and the teacher, who specializes in language arts. As one unit, per se, we do work together while also acting as individual classrooms at the appropriate times. It's been a huge blessing being at this job, although most who've been there for a while may say that it's a real pain. To be honest, it's almost a walk in the park compared to what I encountered last year (which is what I shared with some of them); granted, tho, each day has it's own challenges and some days are very stressy than others. Thank God for my PSP lol

And to the present, where I am now, the year is on the brink of ending. Another year sparks itself with promising grace and unfounded trials. My life may possible be turning for another milestone as I set off to finally be my own person and individual as I look to restoring my bachelor status full time and truly begin to experience more solo adventures that God has in store for me as I await yet the time in which He will send me a wife; I am hoping so desperately for one, but at the same time I've wavered on this in some ways; still, His decree for my life overplays my faith so it will either happen or it won't, despite my faith. God's plans can never be overthrown by the actions of man; but still, I wonder how much of a part I will play in His plan to carry this out. I can't say that I've been very helpful tho; quite the contrary, it's an insult to what He could do in my life if I gave Him more of my time. Something to consider in the meantime, I guess as I go into the New Year.

So, while I'm wiping athe tears away from all these hardships and struggles I hope that I can start smiling with new resolves. My life has been bland, incontent, and very uneventful in some ways (so I think). At the same time, I've managed to stay focused on my transition making Kansas my bride and this transition there as our engagement. I've had more passion about my career in special education and I"ve had it less in other areas of my life. What about my future in ministry? To be honest, I've struggled with this for years, even since my days back in the United Methodist Church. I am still planning on completing my ministry education at a later point and time (well after phase 3) because I know how vital it is to my Christian life and to me personally; I just don't know where I will be in terms of ministry, but I do know that as a paraeducator it only makes sense that my calling may surface as a teacher in the church. I know that I sensed the "Elder" call on my life sometime in the past; whether that is something that will happen, God only knows. I just know that this "fiery passion" continues to stir even though I'm not doing enough to nurture it unlike in the past; but the fact that it's still here and not disappearing points out that I may just explode oneday....just like Jeremiah. In my own personal life, though, I've still struggled with some unsavory things that I need to tell someone, but haven't. Not that I don't want, that it's just the natural inclination to deal with it on my own; I know I can do it and that once I do it'll be better for me in some ways. For the new year, I am planning on changing the way some of my habits have been; I can't promise that they will change, but the goal is to start changing and implement those changes accordingly. I'll share more about my plans for the new year in tomorrow's entry (Lord-willing). What I can say is that I'm glad 2009 is over and that as 2010 jumps over the horizon, I am looking forward to being back in Hillsboro in about 6-8 months. The smell of the sunflowers is butter to my mouth, and sweetens my smile just all the more. It's a goodbye, with tears and sorrows, but renewed hope for 2010.....just how much, in that year, will I change? Guess it's time for me to find out. Goodbye year 2009, come and hello yet, gentle and sweet 2010.

Coming and Beginning - My Second Advent To Sunflower

It's the time of Advent (the coming of Christ) in the church era right now and many of us are celebrating the time in which Christ to earth officially as the Lamb of God, the God-Child, who would become the God-Man who died for the sins of all the world. While many in the world (moreso our country) prepare to celebrate the time of Christmas through the fairytale of Santa Claus (note what just called that) I, as a Christian, focus my attention on remembering a life event of Christ that made the difference in all human history, leading up to the Cross. However, surprisingly, though, this entry isn't going into the background of this true story (although I put Christ first in this entry) because I have a point to make in reference to my own life. Rather, it's not about my advent but second advent to Kansas. As many of you know, I am journeying to Kansas as my final destination of my adult life (in a long term sense) and have begun the first phase of my transition which should progress forward fully end possibly by the next summer. That means phase two should begin immediately after my work is done for the currently working school year (in June 2010). I have determined the financial cost of the my trip and with some nooks and crannies the projected amount I need should be acquired by then. That also includes paying off some debt in the process so I can have somewhat of a fresh start when I get there; however, my area of focus for phase two has shifted a bit so as to assure that my moving there will be definite. That is to say, I have put forth (or will be putting forth) time to seek and establish a job there in Kansas (looking into Wichita Public Schools)  so that I can move there for and with a job. I have chosen to continue in my developing career in Special Education either as a para or teacher's assistant. The goal is to land a job for the next calender school year (the start of the 2010-2011 school year) and move there in enough time to start the job in August (or September). Once the job is landed, I will immediately buy a car that's affordable along with insurance. I am in the process of looking for some decent insurance so that I possibly have some before I move there. Once those two things are obtained, then finding a place to live (really in conjunction of finding a car) is the next factor. The goal and city of choice, obviously, is Hillsboro. I may consider living in Wichita for the job so I can save up to live in Hillsboro by the start of phase 3, but we'll see how it goes. Phase two only entails me to be in Kansas respectfully not necessarily Hillsboro itself. So, with that in mind, what else has been on my mind lately?

Well, I have recently posted statuses on my FB page about the lack of motivation in my life. Maybe it's me, but I've become more grumpier in my life; maybe that's because I'm a bit more uptight, somewhat less peaceful, or just simply just not resting much lately due to the nature of my work. I remember my teenage years when people told me I was so uptight, too serious, and not happy or not smiling. Well, some same characteristics have repeated themselves lately, but not the one about being uptight. Still, though, it's just me in general. I think in order for me to become a better person I have recognized certain needs in my life. One of the most essential needs I find that I really have to have is being apart of a peer group that I can closely identify with. I had that at Washington Bible College and it made my time there extremely valuable and so fulfilling, to a degree. I mean, I know that there are other areas of struggle for me, but I can often manage some if others are managed instead. This is something I don't have now, though, even at work. The church I attend doesn't have a "college" bred group or a slew of people my age, at least not to my knowledge. I was thinking of attending another church but I won't be able to drive there. I am in the process of even considering ending my commitment to Sunday School (because my role there isn't really primary and it's become more supportive than any). Furthermore, I think too, today I admitted (to my mom) that I do better with the middle school group of kids because I have more freedom to be a bit more complex with them than I can with the elementary kids. This is my second year working with elementary kids and I'm finding myself in the same situation that I was back in Temple Hills when I was attending Hillcrest. I think my career in Special Ed helps guide me to the better realization of the age group I can be more effective in being with.

One other thing that's been on my mind has the big the other big apple in my life that's been a struggle for nearly who-knows-how-many years it's been: relationships. No, I haven't met anyone despite my somewhat of a crush on someone at the school (but that's about it, nothing really important) but that's slowly fading away due to my desire to be in Kansas. I continue to look here and there (online) somewhere deep down hoping for one, but on the surface I'm a doubting Thomas when it comes to practically finding a good catch, I know at this point, I"m working on some critical things in my mind that need to be dealt if I am to be effective in landing a good catch. Of course my searches right now are more leisure and curiosity then they are serious, at least until the end of phase 3 in which my search will heavily intensify and will be key. But first things first, and that's relocation, relocation, relocation. I know that I won't be truly happy until I get to the place where I want to be more than anything; that will be a start, at least. I've dreamed of many things in my life and said "I hope that" or "I hope that this will..." but now I"m more "I'm going to do this." So, this is one of those things that I am going to do simply because I choose to and I can. I think that's important though, that if someone is serious about something they will pursue it. I am serious about going to Kansas so I can putting forth some heavy duty sacrifices to push up my effort in moving to Kansas. I think there are other reasons I want to be there as well....think I'll keep them to myself for now.

Still, in the end, though, I would say I've gone from a 5.0 optimists to a 3.0 optimist (which is a big jump). The reasons are various but the primary one being that life is hard, difficult, and most of the time it's not going to be the way you intend for it to be. Others will get what you really want and yet there's no gaurantee that  a person will get what they really want. Still, you won't get what you want if certain things are in one's life (something I'm working on now) and yet others happen because of the ordained timetable (a.k.a. Sovereignty, Providence of God). I have come to grips with certain things and will just have accept and face what will become of it with holding on with just a little bit of hope that I will get what I really desire. In other words, I will or I won't get what I really want (God only knows best) but at the same being honest with myself about how I will do in the end. So, overall,  I would say my gift of suffering and slight despair and the person lones of my life make the best of me.  I don't like pity parties but I often have one and I know I probably shouldn't. Still, tho, no one can help with that except God. It's been a hard year overall steaming off from last year. Can't say I've done any better becoming a better person, which isn't good, but I've regressed on some many things it's pathetic. Still, maybe it's that season of life that needs to happen because compared to the years in which I've had a firestorm of passion for God this season of long trial and personal hardship continues to loom because maybe God will do something more incredible in my life than He's ever done whether I get a mate a not. Still, I'm glad He knows what He's doing cause I sure don't. Anyway, I've taking up much time I need to write I suppose. Not too bad for not writing in a long while; but there are so many more things I could say or even express in various other ways. The big thing is that it's the same song I've sang for most of the year now and it's not new. Old news is like an old cradle; it falls apart after a while if nothing is worked on. Apart from that, not sure if I can get close to many people ever again; my heart is in so much terrible shape that it's going to need a transplant;maybe I"m better off by myself anyway, in the long run. Just a bit more practical in this case because I'll be working and establishing my life in a single location once and for all. In about 2.7 years I'll be thirty years old; just how much I achieved (either for God or even on behalf of God) and much to show for it? Prolly the same thing I started off with in my first year of college: my boxes full of my goods and my life. In other words, not much, maybe except some college credits. So, what's finished in my life? Nothing. I've started many things and somehow they just don't get finished. I hope that all changes within the next year or so; namely, this transition to Kansas will be the first thing in my life to be planned and finished unlike much in my life. I guess then my poems, my journals, and other works that I have that are my true valuables.

So, as the holiday season comes into the scene, I have huge plans for this upcoming new year, one of which is the conclusion of phase 1 and the start of phase 2. In the meantime, life is abnormal and hard for me as usual and I continue to sleep in the wake of my distress and loneliness with clutched fists and a grinning smile. Just part of what makes up my life I suppose, but hey,it's me. Cheers!!!

Knowledge & Character -- What Others See, I Cannot Deny

I"ve realized that that are many things that are not as they appear to be. In fact, on the outside one wouldn't think anything is wrong, but inwardly, the man is no fool. Deep down, I have a sense that I am beginning to see how many others view my person, my character. The way I present myself and things that they would never really admit in my face, but they do appear to be the case on the side. I've had a couple of incidents here when I was out with my brother and there have been situations in which he had admitted that he was smart too. I don't know if he thought that I wasn't smart or intelligent, but it was the way he said that made it seemed like I portrayed him as a "lesser" mind. I say that with ease and with difficulty because I am beginning to recall some other situations (involving other people) to which it may have played wrong. In other words, the impression I've been giving people to come across as a highly, intelligent, but intimidating and arrogant individual. In truth, this is far from what I am like, at least that last part.  I felt the need to write and get this out because I believe it helps draw me a step closer to why things haven't really worked out in my life in regards to relationships. At the same time, though, I am critical of myself; always have been, always will. I guess, then, I'm used to people having a criticism about me because I am critical of self; the way I want to be viewed is how I view others hoping to viewed in the same way in return.  On the other hand, I cannot and will not "play stupid" in such a way that I will not pretend to not know much about anything when I know about alot.

Don't get me wrong, the Bible says that knowledge puffs up but love covers a multitude of sins. Love is extremely important, but knowledge in itself is something that an individual can receive much of and in the end it can tend to make the person an arrogant and puffed up individual. I do not come across as arrogant, or that is not the intention of myself. I do claim to be humble and don't want to ever think that I know so much when I know very little. At the same time, however, I know alot of things and am not afraid of knowing just because I do know. There is a time for me to share this knowledge and there are times for me to withhold what I know for the benefit of helping others mature or simply just because it's time to be silent (not stupid). I know there are times when it seems like I know things and so well that it would seem like nothing gets into my head other than that. Such is the case of individuals that are well-educated and intelligent regardless of character. Granted, there are far many more people that know 50 times more than I ever will; I can't compete. I know in my earlier years my quest, my journey, my desire to learn, for knowledge, overwhelmed me. I guess that's why I embraced becoming a scientist because in that regard knowledge was the absolute power. I wanted to be one of the best, the one who knew so much that others didn't; it would give me a special power, a special feeling, something that would help others look at me and accept me. I wanted to be accepted, to be admitted in the circle. To much avail, though, it didn't and doesn't matter; I am no longer a scientist-in-training but a man torn by so many degrees that I have developed a casual attitude towards life with little hope of finding ways to permanently make things better. Maybe it's because I matured so soon, sooner than most guys my age in times past, but may it's because of the wisdom I developed, given to me by the Lord first, and then built on by my mother, her shared experiences, the advice and mentoring of others that have come into my life, and the combination of my own failures, losses, and successes. I do know this: I cannot help the things that I do know. I went to school for a reason and I have developed a worldview, a theology (or theologies), a way to help view the experiences given to me each day. To some, I may seem like I'm in left field, but is that such a bad thing? Is it a bad thing for man, a highly intelligent black man that wants nothing more than to share what he's learned despite my so-called "young age" without the fear and feeling of belittling or intimidating someone?! Maybe, just maybe, it's how the women of the past were in my life. Maybe they felt unworthy, unequal, unmatched by my level of knowledge, the things I've been taught and experienced. It's nothing personal.....it's just that what part of the things that came out were really me or what part of that was being fearful of not being to handle what I can bring to the table and then some?

I deserve to take a critical test; I deserve people telling me how I really am. It's the only what I'm going to know the truth. However, as I said before, I cannot and will not pretend to be less than I who I am; I feel like I'm somewhere in my 30s but yet I am only 27 years old. It feels like there is alot that has happened, and wisdom itself grows in me like a tumor. Each day my brain brings to my attention the things of life and helps me soak up the realms of this life, the affairs of mankind, and the things there are to think about. At the same time, I've tried humbling myself more and more (and I still want and will seek to). it's important for me, as a Christian, to portray the right element of character for the sake of Christ. But at the same time, should I pretend not to be intelligent, highly knowledgeable, and full of wisdom (in general) when God has given me much to write about? Maybe that's the kicker: many my age probably haven't gotten to this point where it seemed like they so much older than they portray. I do know that all my friends are intelligent human beings and I trust them with something that others do not have. I also realize that most of them are making something of their lives and they are taking things to higher levels of life. Many of them are now married with only a handful of us still waiting to do the dream: marriage. And granted, I would even venture to say that a good portion of my friends are more qualified to make judgments about me than I am because they are incredible wise.

To be honest, don't know what I"m trying to say, but maybe there are some things I am still trying to understand. I am trying to understand why is just seems like accepting me as I am is so hard to do, in a love relationship level. Maybe it's for the reasons I specified, but then again maybe it's because I just go too far in being who I am? There are things that need to be changed; again, Christianity is about striving perfection towards the cross of Christ with knowing that as long as I live I will never be perfect, but I should try to be a better person with less mistakes and sin that I had 11 years ago. Errors are common, expected; I am not perfect. But at the same time, I cannot lose that which I have gained to know. I don't want to be cynical, but truthful; I know much for my age, in being 27, but yet at the same time, there are plenty of things that I don't know simply because others are smarter than me. And that's fine. Maybe it's one reason that many of the scholars had difficult lives and time associating with others because they were just so smart. I don't want anyone to feel that just because they hadn't had the same education or experiences that I did that's no reason to leave from me or think otherwise of me. My intention is to always learn from others and share what I know so that they can learn too so also I can learn from them. I have to be who I am...it's all I know how to be. There are over 100 million things I don't know; teach me those. I will teach ten things out of that 100 million to help you with your life. What do my friends really think of me? (sounds like an honesty box question); I know of myself that maybe I give people the wrong idea about me. I'm not arrogant; I'm not proud; I don't know anything compared to God. I am always learning, forever a student, but at the same time if I am mature enough to pass on what I know in wisdom then I have to do that. I have to share what I know and use what I know to help better the lives of others. At the same time, I know how little I am really confident in my own knowledge.

Should I pray about not having so much knowledge so that in the end I can be a fool? I know I've made some foolish choices but I cannot be a fool; but I am if I think that I don't any issues to deal with. I do, certainly indeed. If a woman feels that she's unworthy to be with me, then she's wrong and already has completely misunderstood who I am. This term "unworthy" doesn't exists with me. I am not one who thinks "Man, this person is inferior to me"; that's so wrong indeed. I'd never really think that of anyone and I hate that kind of thinking. At the same time, I am expecting people to trust me and meet with me on my level; if they can't, that's fine; I will meet them on theirs and help them grow together. Even so, though, no matter who "young" i appear to be, I am the person God created me to be and I will be myself always. If others are afraid of what I know, then I'm very sorry. Humility is something I really love and adore very much. I will use everything I've learned, experienced, and demonstrated in my life to help others; just like people go to school for different reasons and for different professions. I went to school to study about God so that I can know and learn more about myself, about other people, about life, about death. Should I put down everything just because someone takes it the wrong way? No, I can't do that. I can be careful, saying what I mean, letting people know that I"m not proud, not conceded, not so high that you need a blimp just to stay on my level. No....at the same though, I do want to be challenged; I also want to be trusted with what I know. I want to be treated like it really counts not just an opinion (at times when it's not an opinion) but huge, important, credible. Maybe that's my problem; just the fact that I am who I am that most cannot..no, will not....accept the things I say or even do or even just my character altogether. Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about; I don't blame myself if ya dont. I do know that I've tried to compromise my beliefs to a fault at times and have even gone beyond my comfort zone when it comes to finding and acquiring what I want. In the end, both yielded the same result: I ended up alone. So, does and will it matter in the end to really want to find someone to just trust me or take my word for it?! I hope so...but even if not, not much I can do about anything anymore. But then again, this is me I'm talking about; sometimes I don't like myself and I struggle with the fact that many are younger than me and have received and carry out their dreams, some of the same goals, I am still yet to fulfill or achieve? It does make me mad, make me understand that many of my choices were bad. Since I am getting older I am believing more and more I may develop a full-life of contemporary loneliness. Simply for the fact that just realizing that although I've tried being with other people only in the end to either end up alone (with my faith) or end up with the only person in the world that molded many of my ways of thinking (aside from Scripture) which is my mother. Soon, at some point, I'll be in Kansas and there I have will a nice life (so I hope) but the real premise is that who would be willing to listen to my story, to hear my cry, to hear the struggles of my world, and the waining and wailing and fleeting desires of my heart? Who will seek to understand me instead of just letting the unspoken unintentional voices overrule all that they know about me? That's a good question. I've realized that I have lost several things over the past year...now it just seems like I"m losing more and more everyday; so be it. If I have to face life alone, at least Jesus is the only one that hasn't given up on me (apart from my circle of friends as well). Is it so hard to just want to be understood and to be trusted rather than just let down and then assumed that I've never come through for anything or am too much?  If so, then I guess I deserve nothing but solitude; then I embrace it gladly knowing that it's all I ever really had, even since the beginning. I can alone, I will go alone. All by myself, it's all I get to have afterall.

Within The Depths of My Heart - Facing The Hidden Pain Inside

So I'm now working, volunteering in Sunday School, and going to school online. I've established a small haven in my mother's house, for the time being, and my life is slowly containing a foundation that is solid enough to stand on it's own, to a degree. I give my time serving at the school working with autistic and disabled children as a teacher assistant. I am putting the truth of the Lord in the minds of the children at Sunday School as well as facing the daily examination of living for Christ or lack thereof. I am giving my time to help others whether I'm paid or not and the great thing is that everyone is essentially getting their needs met. Well, almost everyone. Today at Christ the King the pastor began his 40 days of love series that will focus on renewing the people's heart to serve each other with love and loving the Lord with our entire being. In doing so, certain things are coming to the surface of my heart. As my facebook status indicated earlier, this is the hardest thing for me to really work on. For two reasons, for the most part; the main two issues I have with this are very personal but not surprising to a single, black man in his late twenties. The first problem I have in understanding love (by that I simply mean application wise putting love in proper context) is that I had always (up to a point maybe a year or so ago) associate love with a type of feeling (i.e. I love you). The second problem is that while putting love in it's proper respect, the feeling of "whatever" cannot be associate with love, and so what is it that I feel?

Today, the pastor spoke about love more specifically in regards to loving God and loving those around you. Time was given in application to include those who are considered love ones. Since this is mostly a spiritual application, love is necessary as a believer because it identifies us as God's children; without love, no one can love God or love their neighbor; if one isn't characterized by love, then they are characterized as wicked and selfish because God is love and it is a gift from God that we all love one another. Without that gift, love, for humanity and neighbors and God Himself, is not possible (in the sense of how God loves in dealing with people). So, that part I understand. That's not my problem. MY problem goes towards specific love that I would feel for a certain individual say like someone very important to me (hypothetically speaking). As my mom put it this way when we talked about the sermon on the way home in the car: if had to choose between going with my wife to a function that only included the participation of her friends and herself or watching my favorite tv show (Supernatural) which would I choose? Well, the most obvious answer would be going with my wife and giving up my show that I love so much because I "love" her more. Even in thinking about this, this is my "expected" reaction because this is the right one to choose. And I know I would, despite the temptation to stay home and watch my tv show. Again, choosing what is right is not my problem. But, the issue of "feeling" is my issue.  This, however, has come at a price for me in the past, a few times.

My mom simply stated that I would know whether or not I loved someone because I will make the right choice. I laughed, to be honest, because I really knew that I in the past I loved someone. I knew it, I just did. In the end, however, that wasn't enough. The "love" I felt for her was so great that she was everything to me. I was only a teenager, but despite the ill guises of the teenage life I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I felt something different than I ever did before. In the end, though, love wasn't enough. That same love slowly turned to sadness and hurt and the "feeling" of love disappeared and began to turn into abhorment and bitterness. Giving her up to her vices and letting her go her own way was very hard because I had feared that I wouldn't ever see or hear from her every again. I had history with this person and she meant everything to me. I was there for her in times of extreme circumstances and listened to things that I never told anyone. But yet, in the end, betrayal and choosing to darken her heart and not enlightened it separated us for good: no, love did that. I believed in love, she didn't. In the end, I questioned it. My heart ached, feelings wavered, and emotions became a dark corner of a hidden cellar that stored the history of all of this and has became a swine song. The euphoric feeling of "love" and the high and mightiness that comes with it was never felt again.

The next relationship was hard too, but what made it hard was trying to discover what I really felt. Was it love? Was it just plain lust? Was it strong affection, heavy connectedness? I'm not sure. I do know that in that relationship had never gotten so close a woman like that before. I kept looking for that euphoric feeling that made me smile and happy to be around her. Unfortunately, at that time, so much was going on with me and her that it was hard to enjoy the times. We had our bad times and our good times; there are moments that are my favorite even now, when I look back on it. It gave me a sense of being free, but yet being bound, especially by my emotions. I was trapped in my own Silent Hill where I was forced to face my dark past, my unreconciled feelings, and the desires of my heart; in the end, I had to make a choice. I did. To be honest, no matter which way I play out alternate scenarios, it would have likely ended with me leaving Kansas anyway because I needed to know something: I needed to know which path to choose in life. I had been chasing a dream of finding "the one" so long that chased visions and dreams that led me to and fro in both meaningful and dangerous places. I have picked up some bad habits indeed and I"m working on some of them now, although some are harder to break and some I just say "what the heck" and let it roll. I shouldn't do that, but deep down, it's like I don't have anything else so it's like why not?! Nevertheless, despite the flares and glares of that relationship, it brought me to someone that is still close to my heart. I'll come back to that in a moment.

The very last relationship I had was a mindopener and purely the "red pill, blue pill" of my present attitude and approach for future relationships or lack thereof. The focal point of doing what's best for the other person seemed so simply it was really wonderful because it took the pressure of trying not to please myself so much. However, on the flip side, I wanted to make her happy and I wanted to do what's best for her. But, even that came at a price: the ultimate freedom and liberty and opportunity for her to trust me and believe that things will work out according to the faith. I had decided to even compromise the very values I hold as dear (to a fault) while trying to step up as a leader to finally form a solid plan for life. But no matter, in the end, it ended as well. Suddenly, or not so suddenly, things came to a crashing halt. I had even begin to feel somewhat euphoric and lively again after some years of having that wonderful feeling hiding dormant. I had felt so trapped, so bound in the last one that it was finally good to be free and fly like a bird. But at the same time, it was refreshing to move on. But it was only by moving on and sacrificing as much as I could, without being irrational, that I also paid a price. In the end, I decided that I just didn't know the feeling of love anymore and that knowing who "the one" is for life would be an unlikely task. I felt that in the end, whether I compromised as much as possible or stuck to my values, it all ended the same way. So, what's the point? The value of love is just so great that it has the power to break you.

Today, however, as I was listening to the pastor share his sermon, I began to think and wander around in my head. I thought about the people I've waited more time with in my life. I thought about my dad, whom I lost in March, and the last moments I had with him. I did cry, but just a little, not in a wailing hard sense of crashing tears. With number of people I know and knew in life, I have shed tears for very few. It's not that I don't or didn't care about them, but I just didn't cry or cry as I would have liked to. Deep down, I guess the closest one gets to the center of my heart the most tears show and the more intense the feelings of lost occurs. For my dad, the lost was great, but it wasn't a deep connecting lost; maybe it's because he was my stepfather and to attempt a natural bond with someone not biological connected to me is very difficult. How much they invest in nurturing that connection I guess is the key. Still, though, I wasn't done. Then, as the pastor got into discussing that we all love to spend time with those we love, I thought I one particular person.  She was initially my first thought; why would that happen, I wonder? They say that when you're in love so many things happen; I'm no stranger to those things and I won't be bother going through in detail with them. Still, though, I remember that during those dark times of our life when we were together that she believed that I did love; it was my actions, from her point of view, that determined that I really loved her. I so adamant that I didn't because again I wasn't heartfelt enough in feeling to "express that." Still, I knew that I cared deeply for her, passionate for her. Granted no one is perfect and we all have stuff to work on, she was having some dark times in her life that unfortunately conflicted with some of my own. Trying to tell her to move on and encourage her to do what she believed was best was very hard. As a matter of fact, I found myself being jealous of her when she started moving on. I didn't get like that before; me, jealous? Where did that come from? Jealousy isn't part of love, but of the flesh (of the natural mind of the sinful soul). However, wanting her to be happy was the main objective. Still, though, I thought of this person during the sermon. In many ways, however, it wasn't really appropriate, I must admit. However, I spent so many years believing that I didn't love her. But honestly, when I thought about having time with someone, I thought of her. I thought of her trying to work out all the issues of her life without selfishly trying to get a piece of the pie.

I thought of her needs, how I could fulfill them, and what honestly would be best for her and her son(...this is a clue obviously, as I cannot name her in this specific regard and is the only way to remain in the shadows of this post). I know I wasn't ready for a lot of things and even some of the core values I believe deeply keep that consummation of togetherness as a barrier that shouldn't be crossed. I remember her telling me that she believed I loved her. While I was thinking about this, I thought about what the pastor was talking about and I felt something. It wasn't pretty; I felt God tugging, pulling, and saying "open up". He wanted to work on this area of my life; it wasn't just her, but just the area in general. Just knowing that it's not so easy for me to love anymore. In fact, how I tell how I love someone? God loves me because He sent Jesus Christ to take my death on the cross and paid off my sin debt. He loved me enough to not kill me that night when He appeared to me in a dream; He gave me life, He gave me hope, He gave me another opportunity to have life abundantly. I know I haven't been the fruitful Christian I should be after 11 years, but I am still thankful that despite what I do He will never forsake me; this doesn't eliminate my responsibility to live a holy life as mandated. However, how do I show someone that I love them? More specifically, how do I tell someone that I deeply care about "I love you" with the same euphoric feeling that proves that? Love isn't an emotion, I know that; so what do I feel then when apparently "I'm in love"? Euphoria? Call it what you want.....I'm tired of trying to figure it out; I do want to know what that is, but even if I never find out what it is, I still want to say "I love you" without the missing proof of that emotion that gives it the flair. Actions, however, are the determiners of whether or I not I love someone. In the end, maybe she was right. Maybe I did love her; maybe I do love her. But I can't do more than that not because it's no longer likely for us to be together. Moving on is hard; but I must. And I have, but it's not the same. I tried to the last time and I got shot down. I don't know if I can love ever again; I'm afraid to. I don't want to let it in; but, I know I that I need to. I need God to tear down my heart and help me love again. But it hurts.....I've stop trying to determine if a woman is the one or not and am simply going to take the woman God gives to me that will simply choose to be willing to be my wife. I won't know who she is until she we are finally married. These 40 days of love for will be difficult; I want to love, but I don't know how. Real, romantic love is fleeting and I want it so badly, but at the same time it's too expensive. So I love a woman that I shouldn't but that's for me to deal with me. I respect her and I stand here as a friend who will help her without whatever. I'm connected to her and that won't go aaway. I am hoping to form a new connection oneday, but when that will be I don't know. If something ever happened and we could finally reunite, that would be good, but it would be selfish. In the end, all is considered done so I can't "say" that. I just have to wait and see.; will I ever love a woman again with my emotions? I can try, but it will take time. It will take everything; I'm in pain,right now. So, if I am to be alone for the rest of my life, then I must face the misery with God alone and live in suffering so that peace in heaven will be my reward, even if my reward comes to nothing in heaven and I'm left with the eternal life God gave to me. So be it; I can't stop my life, but darn it, I have needs too. In the end, I struggle with this and am just being what I can right now. In the end, the pain is my own; whenever God and if ever God chooses to relieve my pain, that's on Him. As for me, I will take it one day at a time. Love, romance, rather, for now....it makes me sick. But yet, that what makes me sick also makes me weak and makes me want it even all the more. This...is the true me, I guess. What woman wants me? Who cares? To be alone is what I have left now...I may be still young, but that doesn't keep me from death. Live with the Lord each day, as the only thin in the end that is assured is God's promise to make all suffering end. That's...all....I....have.....left.