My last two blogs were kinda "negative" in a sense of what my life is like. I assure you, my life isn't negative, but rather I've been a bit negative lately only because I've reached that point in life where grumpiness is reaching the heights of my heart and tons of disappointments have ridden me of much optimism I once had. Still, I haven't forgotten about the tons of blessings I have right now: my house (renting), my job, and friends and family I have left that death haven't claimed. I even have much to be thankful for just in terms of everyday life and what I have that God has blessed me with. It's just that, like I said previously (in other blogs) that my disappointments and frustrations come from not being able to enjoy so much more of life like I ought and like I do want to (I guess). There are so many things I do desire, but I know time isn't going to let me have them right now. Still, it's a new year and I am planning on carrying out decisions based on many things that happened last year. But I'm not going to write about wanting to have this or that, this time...Instead, I thought I'd write a bit about what I"ve been encountering in my life so this second full week of the new year.
I"ve been reminiscing a bit more now; you'd be a bit amazed of what the triggers are for this, but there are many for me that send me into the past. Much of it has to do when I was a kid and then going through those tough and arduous chronicles when I was a teenager going through middle and high school. I remember specifically up until I entered middle school (back then Lord Baltimore Academy but now it's something else) I remember always being the one kid who wasn't like other boys. I mean, I was the quiet one, the "innocent" (but not so much) one; I was essentially the student that every teacher wanted to have in their classrooms. Back in grade school, homework wasn't so much a priority for me as it was in middle and high school. As a matter of fact, my behavior patterns and academics were not so strict but were extremely laid back and not so high. Could you imagine me not turning in homework or getting a bad grade on this or that. I remember getting in trouble in first grade because I wrote a nasty love letter to a girl in the class. Of course, that's another story in itself. I also remember the times were I rode my bike in the suburbs of Columbus, Ohio. Even then, though, my calibur and number of friends were limited. But, during those times, I had a social life. I had friends to hang out with; staying inside playing videogames didn't happen as much as it did in the future, but was still a great love and activity I grew up doing at the age of 6. So you can imagine that I"ve been playing videogames for just about twenty years now; it's still so much apart of my life than it was back then when I first started. But even with that, I had a social life centering around that as well; I remember my band of friends coming over and enjoying our time of videogaming. Those were indeed the times!!!
Of course now, I don't have much of a social life. Compared to last year, I don't have much going on. Last year, I was at WBC and my friends and I hung out alot. We went to various places and enjoyed our times together just being able to get away from campus and diving back in the real world were left when passing those iron gates on the east side west side of campus. Sure, there were times when I didn't have the money to really do much, but I wanted to be part of the crowd. Normally...well, rather...when I was a child I didn't really do those things that children do now: follow one another. I mean, sure, it was a little of that but soon I would have my own way of doing things and eventually to the point where I became a central figure where eyes were fixed on me. I wasn't alone; I wasn't isolated, but I was realized, adored, and even being looked up to for a being a kid-leader. That is, when I had friends. I eventually only had one or two friends in the upper years (between 11 and 14). I remember my best friend, Riccardo, and all the things we used to do. My gosh....that seemed so long ago!!!
He was my bestest buddy of buddies because we not only shared our interested in videogames and biking, but he also shared with me his own interest. He was part of little league during our last years together; he also took me swimming, which during those times I went to the pool only to hang out with my buddy (I can't swim). He also introduced me to wrestling as well (in regards to tv wrestling); I still know his favorite wrestling just as if he had told me just yesterday. Of course I could write about our adventures and most of the things we did those great years. And now....just looking at my life now, it just seems like being a young adult (who will be twenty-seven in approximately five months) for the past seven years (counting at 20 and onward, six if you're counting when I turned 21) hasn't been what it's cracked up to be. I mean, what were "we" (young adults) taught and told about when it comes to being a young adult? For the young adult male, many challenges await us. Being able to be a compentant, capable, and trustworthy leader could be one. Who about being able to make it on your own, holding a job, getting finances in order, and start settling down for a family? Unlike many average adults, those of us who are young adults in the AA community typically start off with problems branced off from our families. That, of course, depends on each family themselves. In my case, coming from a family that was lower class who is now being more middle class I started off with not having very much. Just being able to have money to put food on the table is a golden luxury or being able to buy a videogame or a movie is worth it's price. Unlike many families, but like many AA families, the option to go to college is expensive. I had to take out loans (which I am still now am setting to start paying off soon) and being pretty "thoughtful" of how to get through. Sure, the first two years of college I had a job but neither was getting me through. More specifically, attending Bible college has been a great blessing but a great finanical burden as well.
Twice now, I've had to leave WBC for financial reasons; that is the case of many, which isn't unusual, but unlike many I don't have a church home to hand me money for scholarships. I don't have grandparents with pockets lined up with extra expenses to help their grandson make it through college. I don't have any extra support in any way to simply keep going. My parents didn't even have enough to consider financial aid (based on the FASFA standards, which need to be changed IMO) although they were bringing home barely enough to put food on the table. Of course, I've made the final decision (back in August -- see August entries) to move to Hillsboro, Kansas permanently strictly for economical reasons as well as to start building and establishing my home, my nest, my castle, my rock; I can't convince many people that there isn't a woman involved, which seems to automatically assumed in the minds of many people. Granted, the first time it was, but this time it's strictly my decision to do so; no influence involved (not to say it like that) and I have no one waiting for me there. I have outlined my goals for Hillsboro which seem to be a nice plan, as people say. I surely hope that it will work and that my time there to start a new life with the future in mind will definitely be worth the relocating. The most important thing, though, is that I am looking for what I"ve been talking about so far: a social life.
What in the world is there to do in Kansas? Hillsboro, to be exact? I'm sure most of you who don't know anything about KS except the Wizard of Oz are asking that question! Well, there are tons of things to do! In fact, Hillsboro is small enough where you can do much like go to the library, the park, drive around town and look at the various landscapes (farms and schools lol) and you can even drive out to the reservior and do some fishing (which is what my friend does). Driving to some nearby cities is also worth wild too because McPherson is filled with tons of goodies. Hutchinson has the Comsosphere (think Aero and Space Museum mixed with the history museum in DC's Smithsonian) as well as a small zoo. Wichita also has a large zoo, but it's not free, but still filled with great animals to see that DC zoo doesn't feature. Hillsboro, the town I'll be moving to, also has a bowling ally and thrift shop filled with great stuff. So, it's not like Kansas, itself, just simply flat, plain, and full of farms. Yeah, that's most of it, but life there is at such as pace where it makes a great vacation spot. I am alreadying planning for my folks to have Christmas with me in Hillsboro this year; I surely hope this will be an option. Expensive trip, yes indeed, but I'm sure their lives will be changed and their minds will be even more expanded as they come to see the cozy little town I"ve spoken so much of. My....I almost really wish I were there now. For much of the time last year I thought about what central reason I could be drawn to Hillsboro. Aside from the Lord's leading, I would say it's the spirit of the town. By that, I mean the tranquility, the aura, the enivornment and what makes Hillsboro attractive. So much so, I could definitely say that leaving the city and urban life here will be worth the trip and years spent in Hillsboro; my previous memories there from almost three years ago still linger, despite them being also hard ones. Even my little vacation there last July made me hungrier and eager to return; had I no reason to return back here I most likely would've there!
So, anyway, I guess the gist of this is essentially reminscing. I've done tons of that and do tons of that often; my mind wonders and clicks and turns more than windmills, clocks, and cats! Being able to remember how much fun life has been in my eariler years, it takes to wonder what it will take to have as much fun once again. My days are now filled with exhausting days of work (which I love, by the way...the work anyway), commuting about over 1.5 hours to work each in total (morning and afternoon), coming home and being too tired to cook and even eat sometimes. When I do go out it's usually alone to some mall some miles away or to other stuff I like to do (i.e. Health and Fitness Expo). Just months and months ago it was filled with papers, books, great fellowship, and a full social life fueled with wonderful people. I was even at a church we (the church's college team) hung out at various homes, doing fun activities, and even hanging out after church to enjoy each other's company. We were a great family.....but now, it's all gone. It just like when I was 21, I had to leave WBC for the first time and venture out into this world. I've learned so much from then and on til now; I remember even picking up stuff in college (my first year) that still impact me and changed me (some good, some bad). The most difficult challenge in my life for a long time has been truly wanting to be content or happy (both interchangable I suppose) and really, genuinely being able to enjoy my life like I should. What's the problem now? I'm still not exactly sure; I do know it's me. No person or thing is going to make me truly happy; granted, I am thankful to have all that I do and I known it could've been worse, much worse. I do realize that indeed; still, how does one truly gain contentment? I think, in all essence, this has to be something that is learned. I am reminded (which is coming to mind right now) that Paul, Apostle Paul that is, said that in Philippians he would be learned to be content in all circumstances. He was one experienced the worse of the worse of the worse and yet remained strong through it all, soley for the glory of God. Gee....I wish I could do that! Maybe I"m focused too much on what I don't have and what's wrong rather than what's right! Maybe not, though. I mean, if I don't know what's broke then I won't know to fix it. Granted, God is the fixer here, but faith is a two-way street: my faith requires (please underline that word) EFFORT. That is other outlining of faith; it requires effort (not essentially a work) to produce what it's suppose to do. Without effort, it's impossible to please God; note the examples in Hebrews. In summary, if Abraham didn't put forth the effort to search for God's city, he wouldn't be blessed with the many descendants that he now has through faith in Christ. There are so many others to share as well, but I think it leads into my point.
In the end, though, being content for me has been and is a problem. Sure, I have plenty of things to keep me busy right now along apart from work. I have friends that I can call (or email) and talk to for a while and some I can even see in person. But in total truth, I want more than this. I want that social life that keeps us young adults growing and building healthy relationships with one another and build up the faith. It's hard to do that when I don't have a church home, and it's even harder when the calibur of adults my age are still in school or are full-time with their families or careers. There are simply none here to help meet my need of fellowship and being apart of life; it simply just makes me feel like I"m even more alone (which isn't true). Certain those times, long ago, I had tI don't go to bars or clubs, although I have been considering to give those a true in the future, which is mostly unlikely I will though. I've been thinking: what's a great place to meet young adults? More specifically, where are all the young single adult females who are really looking for a guy like me? Even more so, where's the buddy that I can hang out with and play videogames with and share more parts of my life with him? My best friend Riccardo, long ago, this was us. We shared our lives and the memories of what being a boy was all about! Those days are indeed gone......I miss them greatly. But now, of course, I am desiring more than just hanging out; my life, my desire, my pasison is to gain much more and even to the deepest sense of sharing my life. I am ready to give what I have (which isn't much) over to a lifelong companion. With many experiences to share and so much to tell, the times we could have together would be extremely wonderful. Granted, I'm writing my story down, and it's not short by any means, I'm only getting so far. The greastest half of my story has been to been and shared and experienced by another. I have done much that I am not proud of, both in the past (which has impact the present and future) and here in the present.But I still possess my faith in Christ that still lingers and fuels the inner sleeping core of my deserving to serve Him (yes...sleeping). So, I go soon, in about five months, to start all over again. I go to gain new experiences and to finally make decisions wise enough to start doing something about the things I"m not happy about. It's one thing to complain, but it's another to do go and act on what was decided. In the meantime, I continue as I am; euphoriac, dazed, and a bit shaky but still solid with an unsure heart about how to go about searching for what's necessary for me to really enjoy life now. God, ultimately, is the fullest fulfillment....I know that already. But even He desires us (in general) not to be alone....for me, it's part of my life and part of what really draws me to being content. All by myself....such a wonderful song Celine Dion put together; nevertheless, I am not completely. But still, my story goes on....
[this is good]
You can be proud of yourself.
Mommy gives you a big hand!
Posted by: SBSTV | 01/12/2009 at 01:20 AM